UNDER CONTROL

Sweet Jesus I swear that I love you,

2010-06-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

I have fallen head-over-heels in love with a little Japanese woman. She smells like Asahi beer and stale cigarettes.

Her name is hard to pronounce so everyone at work calls her "Mama." Her jeans have rhinestones on them and her t-shirts are always black or white, sometimes her nails have glitter on the tips. My first week in Japan I was sick and Mama came knocking at my door.

'Here, this for you!' She handed me a carton of orange juice, a red apple with the skin carefully peeled and cut into tiny slices, and a little packet of white powder that looked suspect.

'What's this stuff?' I asked shaking the powder around.
'You mix in warm water with hot tea drink get rid of sickness! Now back to bed!'

I felt like shit but I obediently mixed the powder into the bottom of a tea cup and poured hot water. It tasted awful but I chased it down with orange juice, ate the apples and went back to bed. The next morning I woke up feeling great. My headache was gone and my nose wasn't running anymore. I showed up for work that day and Mama seemed pleased.

'Here this for you!' she handed me a baggie full of green pills.
'What are these?' I asked shaking the green pills around
'Full of protein and seaweed protein pills for you good you need to eat more!'
So I started to take the protein and seaweed pills and by the next week my skin was glowing.

The next week Mama handed me a bagel and a plant.
'Bagel you eat, plant for room!'

The week after that she gave me beautiful blue and white lace curtains.
Mama has been so sweet and warm since I got here. Not only as a boss but as a neighbor/ friend of my father's and just an all around sweetheart.

When I grow up I want to be just like her, and that is why I'm in love with her.

She cries wolf, wolf, wolf, I don't need you anymore.

2010-06-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Starting to feel nauseous whenever I think of you. There are so many things about your skin I thought were good, but now when I think of your teeth my shoulders just feel heavy and I’m always tired.

Like the time you told me you wish my collarbone stuck out more. Or when you'd tell me you didn't like the freckle above my top lip.

During this particular time we were sleeping together, when we were "in love" I was absolutely adherent to the idea of you always being my best friend. People would say "maybe you just need time apart" but it's been a dozen months a handful of weeks and last night, after a hot bath where I shaved my legs, I came to the conclusion that you were never anything special. You just got there first,
And that you were never special, you were just always right. And there isn't anything fucking special about always being right.

I never asked you to coddle me when I was having a bad day. I never begged on my knees when you told me I wasn’t good enough. When I whispered in your ear “Am I the one, do you think I could make you happy forever?” And when you said “I don’t know.” I knew it was over. I could feel it on the walk home.

I was close-hauled on my way to Japan. When the plane took off my heart lept into my throat and I thought “If I die right now the coroner will see my stretch marks.”

I left the last picture you sent me tapped to my bedroom wall. Four walls all painted that ugly pepto pink with the frameless bed and the dirty rug. I left all your songs, all the records, the books the clothes, threw away all the underwear you bought me and set a match to the coalescent idea of “you and I.” The memory box of you and I is more like a tomb that sits on the top shelf in a room I plan on never seeing again.

I made up my mind that from that day forward I would never stop loving you, but that I didn’t like you anymore.

I’ve found the difference in the way you tried to write me emails, detailed and speaking so highly of yourself. Awesome, you’ve finally made it.!

I made up my mind that I would never denounce your last name or pick apart your smile. You were at one point the very first thing that popped into my mind when I woke up. Your hands got me through an entire year of feeling like I wanted to die. The mornings you’d get up before the sun was out, you’d kiss my forehead goodbye and I’d lay in your bed for hours just smelling your comforter because every last bit of you made me feel so warm. I would wash you away from my skin and feel so sad. I wanted to keep every part of you deep into my pores.

I spent the summer sweating you out of my system. I made mistakes and whenever I felt like I missed you I reminded myself that shit changes and learning to love yourself is hard, and thinking you could love anybody else before you reach that point is impossible.

So, I guess loving you was impossible.

Sentimental X's

2010-05-20T07:50:00.001-07:00

Off and on is what we want, what we want is off and on.

I keep trying to think why we react the way we do. What puts us in these sour moods where we're unable to climb out, get over it and just walk into a door that is bright without moth eaten curtains and something sticky on the floor. I think for me it's too soon. I'm still the sad girl inside her ugly pink bedroom hiding from everything. Here it's bright and big and people are friendly with eyes that light up whenever I talk.

You really figure out who your true friends are when you move across the world. I guess I was just never important to you, it was just something convenient to pass the time and I'm not bitter about that. We are adults and adults can see things children cannot; I can reach snacks hidden on top the fridge, I could smoke if I wanted (but smoking is disgusting.) I could drink if I wanted but we all know I'm hopeless and hate the taste. I could do anything I wanted but for some reason I just couldn't give up on you.

But I think I'm finally ready. I give up.

You guys like my new tattoo?

2010-05-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

Being American here in Japan the first thing Japanese girls (the guys never speak to me) ask is "Do you have tattoos?" Aside from my best friend back home everybody I'm friends with as at least one tattoo, if not a few. I have absolutely NOTHING against tattoos whatsoever. The dude I'm seeing now is completely covered in tattoos and I literally drool all over his arms. My female friends with tattoos all have bright beautifully colored pieces of artwork across their bodies and it's mesmerizing. I in no way shape or form think tattoos on girls take away from anything, I think when done correctly tattoos only add to the beauty of a womans body.

Almost every Japanese girl I've met here in the past 8 days has a traditional Japanese tattoo, usually around her arm or on her lower back. In America we'd call that a "tramp stamp" but the girls here are a little behind and still consider this shit to look trendy or whatever. A girl I work with who's seriously adorable showed me her tattoo on her upper arm and it was a band of four leaf clovers. I was a little confused thinking "well, are you Irish?" She laughed and said "no it just means good luck!"

Then the girl proceeded to tell me I needed tattoos. I did my usual lip bite, eyes to the side "ahhh I don't know..." she laughed at me "why not! you're young! you need one!" Aside from the whole pain aspect (I'm irrationally afraid of all needles) I'm just too fickle. I change my mind every three seconds. One minute I want to wear tights and shorts the next I want jeans and a white t. One day I want to be super fem and the next day I just want to wear a band t shirt and throw my hair up. I'm a complete headcase in my own body and I know the minute I get a tattoo I'd probably regret it.

Or knowing my luck I'd be allergic to the ink.

So I'm expecting more "do you have a tattoo?" questions followed by the "why not" followed by "you should get one across your lower back!" Japan, Japan.

I left my feelings with my wallet and my keys

2010-05-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm finally at ease.

Japan is great, my new job is fun a little stressful because I'm still learning. Walked out with close to 30yen in tips, plus I'm being paid by the hour. I'm in love with Lemon Tea in a carton and finally bought Milk Tea because my one friend kept
bugging me to try it. My dad bought me a coffee pot so I'm starting to feel more at home, with my mud brew every morning.

Here are pictures of my new space :

The natural sunlight is perfect and I started to hang some of David's portraits he gave me on the wall. There are bits and pieces of my friends scattered on my window sill. I told my dad to extend my ticket so instead of 2 more weeks we're planning on 3 more months. I miss Rashi a lot and I miss being able to take the china town bus up to see David and walk around Nyc drinking tall arizona t's and just laughing, but everyones busy doing what they love so i'll just give Japan some more time. I'm still adjusting but it feels more like home everyday.

Friday May 15th, 2010 9:40a.m

2010-05-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I've been in Japan since Tuesday afternoon. I'm still having a hard time sleeping but besides that I'm enjoying everything. The weather here is really nice, breezy and blue skies and just cool enough that all you need is a t-shirt and cardigan. My dad and I have gone out exploring pretty much everyday, and I finally went out yesterday afternoon by myself to the convenient down the street to buy iced tea and chocolate covered almonds. I walked around listening to Best Coast and kind of took everything in by myself, for the first time.

It's hard (or maybe just more annoying) being a vegetarian here. Almost everything has some sort of animal in it.. (beef or chicken stock in the brother for noodles, the "red" sauce in you mix in with the quail egg of course has meat in it, fish everywhere, shrimp) etc etc. The bar down the street makes American food like nachos. Coincidentally this is the same bar I start working at Saturday night, so I have a feeling I'll be eating there a lot.

The bar is an old Baptist church (in Yokosuka.. I know right?) and is owned by an American "lifer" who works at the ship yard like my dad, but married a Japanese woman who he can't stand. They avoid each other at all costs. The head bartender is a 46year old Japanese woman who looks like a model and dresses like she lives at the Jersey Shore, but despite her appearance she's very sweet and even a grandmother.

(View from my bedroom)

Tonight my dad is taking me out for a traditional Japanese dinner with a few of his friends, it's supposedly cost a lot and is very fancy (two things I'm not familiar with) so I'm already wondering what I should wear. Everyone over here dresses nice, at all times. You never see girls rolling out of bed in sweatpants, it puts more pressure on me to make sure I look my best since I already stand out as the 5'7 foreigner with the big black eyes.

I think when I'm done eating this apple I'll tacked the tedious task of finally washing my hair. My dad doesn't have a shower head, it's just a traditional Japanese bathroom with a sink, washer, and a little steam room that has a tub in the middle of it. The toilet is in a little closet kept separate. If you know me you know how much I hate washing my hair (especially when it's bending my head under a little faucet) but I'm pretty such I can handle it. Maybe I'll eat some peanut butter for extra protein provided I'll need all the strength I can get trying to tame this wild mane.

I'm embarrassing

2010-03-26T18:25:00.001-07:00

I wish there was a way to erase November 2008- Well, now.

You can just stop talking I get it.

2010-03-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've been really happy lately.

So talk yourself till your blue in the face, cause someone always wants to listen to hate

2010-03-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Here comes the girl with the ice cream cone
Who says she didn't get
A scoop as big as mine
Does it hurt to force a smile to my face?
Does it burn to wish you were in another place?
I won't look to you anymore

I've got this scar on the back of my arm from when I fell through a swing. I've got this scar above my right eye from a surgery I swear I remember, but my mom tells me "shit, there's no way a 4month year old remember something like that." Technically I was dead for 3whole minutes, my heart stopped beating and I remember white lights and feeling warm. Maybe you can't fully appreciate life until you've rubbed elbows with death, I guess I need to live a little because my heart feels dead.

Here's a song for you lovely,

2010-03-13T16:25:00.001-08:00

It's hard to open up even about why I don't open up, anymore. Nobody laughs at my jokes. Nobody knows how to fight when I start pushing them away. I give up, love is for suckers.

they caught you like a kite to the sky

2010-03-10T16:09:00.000-08:00

DOGS RULE

So long past, past-due. A new name for everything.

2010-03-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

Remember that time when I drove my little red car to the dock, we sat and took pictures while I twirled my ring and the wind blew my curls in my face
Remember that time I didn't wear socks with your sneakers? It was the hottest day in the city that spring, my feet were covered in blisters. You took off your sweaty socks, handed them to me and I put them on my feet before we stepped onto the subway
Remember that time I missed the last train into the city? Instead of leaving me stranded at Wilmington station you came all the way to pick me up and drive me to Philadelphia
Remember that time when I told you I had no sense of direction and you laughed and said "walk four blocks up, take a right," but you were actually wrong. It was four blocks up take a left
Remember that time you got really close to my face, kissed all my teeth and told me you loved my smile?
Remember that time ..

Oh, how I miss you

2010-03-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

your memory has all the power. you are completely fucking helpless inside your own head. your heart is a prison. you'll be busy going about your business when suddenly something from your past will flood across your eyes; colors and feelings all forcing you to remember, and even if you're screaming with your hands up "just let me go, I didn't do anything wrong," your memory will make your throat tighten and your insides churn. it could be something sad or something so small and beautiful. your hands will shake because you couldn't believe you'd remember something that happened so many years ago. you'll be in the shower washing your hair when suddenly you remember hands on your elbows pulling you in at a bus stop, concerned and asking why you look so sad. something so small and tender will drip like beads of water across your eyes and your blood will run cold. during an important test you'll hear a sound that will ignite a match inside your ears, setting off a toxic fuse of teeth and a mouth connected to a laugh you can remember so clearly. the click of a typewriter will make you think of a train ride up state, the chorus of a song will make your mouth water. welcome to prison.

2010-03-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

Looking past the fire in your eyes I kiss your railroad spine, secret freckles that conduct my mouth I pull my hair behind my ears, ash-brown curls spilling over my shoulders sudden bones I've never met. My skin is warm and you smell like soap. Cheek to shoulder, arm to waist - these sheets will either sink or swim this night will either happen or it won't. I try not to think too much because when I start thinking my heart starts sinking, I try to remember this moment; soft eyes touch kiss take a break, oh wow "is this really happening?" "yes, yes hello" bovine eyes meet you eyes.. pillow break socks off, shirt off, suddenly I'm aware of my own heartbeat. You bring my hand to your chest "you feel that?" I did, and I do.

Heartbroken , I've been for you.

2010-02-26T15:26:00.001-08:00

It's funny how listening to old songs can always bring up that emotion. I'll hear Regina Spektor and think about a friend when I was 18 who had long hair and smoked cigarettes. She had a cool tiny car with leather seats. We were the "outlaws" because neither of us drank and we'd listen to indie music and sit at diners and draw on the back of place mats with oil pastels. We'd drive to this one church and sit in the parking lot painting (seriously) with her car doors open blasting WHY? and we'd did this for an entire summer. That was the summer I felt like I belonged somewhere, that was the summer before we moved and I felt completely content.

Her and I were together every single weekend and we'd fall asleep talking in her bed and wake up to the smell of her mom cooking us pancakes. I still remember the day I felt like she was pulling away from me, it was right around the time I met my first boyfriend and she got really distant. I tried to come up with reasons why she didn't want to be my friend anymore wondering "What did I do?" and after ignoring me for weeks she finally came up with a few poorly worded excuses, which behind all the passive aggressiveness evened out to "I'm just over our friendship."

We never talked again, three years later we still have mutual friends but it's pretty obvious that what we had was something better left in a memory. I'm not jaded from the whole experience because obviously handfuls upon handfuls of friends have done pretty much the same thing as she did, but in theory she was the first. She was the first real taste of how a friendship ends and before her I'd never been friend-dumped.

[hits the nail on the head...]

I'm happy I've grown up and I'm moving out of Delaware. I'll miss a few people and I have no enemies, but there's a lot of heartbreak and family ties that have me eager to get out of this. I feel like certain events that have taken place with my family in the past few years have stunted my growth emotionally.

A few years ago I asked a friend of mine who had a similar family situation as me, why she chose to attend a College three hours away from home. Her response was "I knew that if I stayed at home I'd do nothing but try and take care of my family. I'd be going to community college and waiting tables doing the same dumb shit I did my entire life, I'd slowly start to die." That always stuck with me for some reason and I've finally realized that I'm that girl.

You forget how to take care of yourself because you just want to make it easier on your family. Nobody wants to see people they love hurt, and nobody wants to seem like a martyr so they keep it all inside. Because of this I've turned into a miserable shell of a little girl who is just waiting for people to fuck me over. I never wanted to be that person, so when it's time I guess you know it, I know it.

Naked On My Goat before throwing the manuscript in a furnace.

2010-02-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

I've accepted my fate as a 21year old who sometimes scribbles thoughts onto the backs of napkins at a diner. I find little scraps of paper hidden between books I never finish, stuffed between the cracks in these walls or tapped to a dirty mirror where a four year old painting sits. I go through phases where I feel things so I want to write them down. I go through phases where I feel things so I want to knit and sew or mix paints, turn on music and create some bullshit that I'll shove in my closet a week from now. I have phases (or maybe these are just moods) where I think about how much can change and it makes my head feel lopsided and all I want to do is melt in a warm shower. I'll never understand why I push those who struggle to stay in contact with me away, and sulk for the attention of those who are already shoving me halfway out the door. I don't mind if you forget me.

"OH YEW THOT I COULDN’T FREESTYLE ON YOU, BOO?”

2010-02-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

"You owe everybody an apology for your shit, ho."

"COULD BE A CRACKHEAD! THAT GOT HOLD TA THE WRONGGG STUFF! N IT TOLD 'EM TO GET UP IN THE TREE N PLAY A LEPRECHAUN!"

--

Some oldies but goodies.

And I've got no pity for the girl in the city

2010-02-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

This weekend starts the countdown; 5 weekends left until I leave.
I'm already starting to feel a little homesick.

Nothing but dead ends

2010-02-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

You can find me here for the most part. Follow me and I'll follow you back!

you have no right to what you feel inside

2010-02-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

all Polaroids were taken from here

I go back and forth between wanting to keep this blog starting a new blog (fresh start) or just taking a break from the blogging world all together. I have a good amount of subscribers (xox) and I realize that at times my entries are about as taxing as blowing bubbles, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what I want to keep this thing around for.

I sort of started this as a big girl version of my livejournal (I know .. I know..) I'm still pretty active in the lj world it's my guilty pleasure. It's a million communities all dedicated to fashion and makeup, saving money and healthy eating. I have my ~*lj friends~* who I get insight into their most intimate and private moments. Some of my "lj friends" I've been following around, journal to journal since I was 14! Now that's some serious dedication. I figured I'd make a blog just as a place for my creative writing different interviews/album reviews/a place to express new songs I'm loving/incessant babbling/etc etc. But unfortunately I'm in one of the biggest transitional phases of my life at the moment, and my head is all over the place.

I'm having a hard time finding my niche with this thing.

Every morning I wake up thinking about the same person. Same arms and feelings blah blah blah all these things I can't seem to get out of my head, they run through my eyes and drip down the back of my throat. I'm doing my best to stay realistic and not get so jaded about the situation, but to be perfeclty honest everything kind of hurts. And when I'm sad it's hard for me to write. I'm the type who keeps everything locked between my chest, I don't know how to express myself (imagine that) so I guess the writer in me isn't all it's chalked up to be. I try to articulate and make sense of my feelings but I just feel numb.

I'm in this constant haze where I have to keep asking myself "when will I stop feeling so fucking boring?" I can't believe half the things I'll be doing in the next few months. It scares the shit out of me, but that's good. I can feel change digging it's anxious claws into my stomach, turning my intestines and making weird noises whenever I think too long about my 13hour flight. I discuss the possibilities of earthquakes with my mom and we both laugh and say "well shit, I hope that doesn't happen." I sleep with my dog ever single night because I know our days are numbered and it breaks my heart.

For the first time in my life I'll be living in a house (an apartment actually) with no animals. No dogs. We have three dogs now (I even work with dogs) It's going to be insane not having a little booger following me around ready to cuddle whenever I'm sad. But I guess it's just one more thing that's going to be different, amongst the huge pile. C'est la vie.

2010-02-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

happiness is sitting on a train alone, watching the gray February sky (that makes everybody hate winter)
and knowing that Spring is waiting at the next platform.
happiness is knowing that in two weeks this too shall pass
happiness is falling in love with a song and listening to it over and over again, because you've always been the kind of girl who plays things out
happiness is falling in love with a perfume and wearing it over and over again, because you've always been the kind of girl who sticks with a scent
happiness is eating chocolate when you know you shouldn't
it's having a nana who sends you text messages using abbreviations and nicknames
that have stuck since childhood "luv u sweetie u r my cats meow!xo!" (wish somebody still called me cats meow)
happiness is accepting that it takes shit to make bliss, so cheer the fuck up!
happiness is fat free cream in your coffee that doesn't taste like it's healthier
happiness is hearing your dogs snore
happiness is the sun setting (pink) on a field of glistening snow
i think i get it.

I'm your luv goon...

2010-02-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to use this for anymore.
--

20 years of snow.

2010-02-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

Today is a snow day because we all know dogs can't get haircuts when it's snowing! The entire east cost is in a state of perpetual bedbug mode, because you can't do anything productive. The moment you shovel your sidewalk there's already a powdery dusting adding up inch by inch. Tree branches are weighed down with powdered sugar snow piles while kids scream and shout to go outside, but their mom's can't even open up the front doors, they're frozen shut. The whole stillness and purity of this snowstorm slowly lost it's charm when my power was out for 5 hours.

Apparently 1,700 people in my town were without electricity. Since my mother and I rely on space heaters as our sole source of heat we were fucked. My mom being the absolute freak that she is was running around like a chicken with her head cut off "SHOULD WE TRY TO GET OUT NOW? SHOULD WE GO TO A HOTEL?" I stared at my mom decked out in pink pajamas, she looked like a little kid. "Mom, it's just snow. We live in a neighborhood not Nome Alaska." Finally my mom calmed down and we decided to wait it out. I piled underneath tons of blankets and just took naps all day with my dog. A few minutes ago I woke up to my mom shouting "YEAHHHH!!! THE POWER IS BACK ON!" And I'm so thankful. Do ya thang Delmarva power company, you're the bomb.

Keep ya boots dry

I'm "alternative"

2010-02-08T12:05:00.001-08:00

One day my heart beats with passion
The next it waxes black
If I seem a little callous
I assure you it's just a scratch

I remember when you told me you'd been so unhappy. I tried to bring you back to me but you curled up on the other side of the bed, so I pretended to read my book. On page 22 you tried to touch my shoulder. On page 45 your ankles were wrapped around mine. I let my fingers fall onto the back of your neck and tugging gently, I smiled as you pulled me towards your side of the bed. Waking up in a tangle of warm shoulders and knotty hair. four-four-two thousand and seven.

“Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they make you happy.”

2010-02-07T19:26:00.001-08:00

Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.

So I walked away all perfumed, felt just the same but brand new.

2010-02-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

I was searching through my purse for my sugar-free bubble gum when I found something glorious. Something better than the 9 different chap sticks I smear onto my lips and better than the 3 tubes of practically the same color nude lipstick. I found secret money. Secret money (if you are somehow UNAWARE) is money you subconsciously hide from yourself (because you know you're a compulsive spending asshole) that you stumble upon days; weeks or sometimes even years later! I found two $20's wrapped around my train ticket, and shoved inside the r2 train schedule I keep folded inside my purse. Finding extra cash was by far the highlight of my entire weekend. Everything else sucked. People don't like me and I'm going to die alone. Womp womp.

I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out

2010-01-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

Twelve eighteen twenty six, no socks long hair and I remember your shirt was covered in lint. I tried to write everything down in the car, but my head was hurting from an astigmatism in my left eye that has long since corrected itself. I tried to take a nap but I couldn't stop thinking about french fries and cherry coke, all the friends who wore sneakers and the ugly brown drapes at the diner. Vinyl seats until our asses started to hurt and remember that time you played footsie with me? Yeah I remember. You dropped your skateboard and we drove around listening to some ironic 90s hip hop where we both sang along effortlessly. I always liked that about you, you always got all the lyrics right.

I thought I'd hidden everything that reminded me of you inside a shoe box under my fucking bed! I had to hide things from myself like a little kid. I kept $20's and $50's in the secret compartment in my wallet because I knew myself, if I saw something I wanted on impulse I would just pull out a $20. I knew my impulsive side, if I saw something that reminded me of you I'd pick up my blackberry to shoot the shit and it'd be curtains.

But then today I found you, two-thousand and seven, smiling in a stack of expired film near my record player. It was us laying side by side with the lyrics "I want you to know" next polaroid (kissing your cheek) "I'll always love you" next polaroid (you smiling) "And always be your friend" Funny that I'd quote the Appleseed Cast when you always hated that band.

I'd like to be someone you could finally learn to love again .

"Holy Dances" on repeat. Late pass, fuck yourself.

In that harbor of a room you'll find your anchor soon

2010-01-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

DO IT! ASK ME ANYTHING! MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF, DOESN'T MATTER!

http://www.formspring.me/sukysuky
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Man, you got a lot of jokes to tell

2010-01-27T14:24:00.000-08:00

Pushing my grocery cart full of canned tuna wheat pasta and protein bars I was tapped on the shoulder and told "I see you everywhere, you're beautiful." I abruptly pulled my ear-buds off my face (because common peasant things, such as grocery shopping are too hard to endure without music,) and I shouted out "Wait, did you say something?" I'd semi-heard him the first time but I was afraid I was imagining things. Not skipping a beat he repeated himself putting much emphasis on the word beautiful, he spoke like all 8 letters were wrapped inside a present and he was waiting for my reaction. My brown eyes of course registered blank, I'd never had this happen before. He kept looking at me, waiting and awkwardly continued with "I've seen you at the other grocery store too the one on Main St. you always have your headphones on and you don't look at people. But I think you're beautiful, I wanted to tell you that." With no makeup bangs that are too short and jeans dirty from work, I smiled. He started to walk away and as the compliment finally sunk in, I manged to shout a clumsy "Hey, thanks!" and before he could turn down the canned goods aisle, he smiled at me.

One two and three I can see exactly where you ruined me

2010-01-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

and usually a grudge
but i loved so much
the way we touched and psuedo-kissed
oh i already miss you singing like this
over the phone
every now and every then i tend to pretend
i'm not alone

Everyday I mark a huge X on the calendar and it's starting to sink in, but unfortunately for both of us it isn't going to hit you until I call you up and say "Hi, my flight leaves in an hour, I guess this is goodbye?" I'll listen to Braid and for 13hours I'll try to read a stack of magazines, one novel and an old diary. Then the chapter will be closed and I'll start something new and maybe I'll write about it on plain white paper, and it'll look better in an envelope that I'll never mail.

Yeah, well..

2010-01-21T14:25:00.000-08:00

1. I feel everyone pulling away from me, slowly but surely. I knew this was inevitable but it still makes me a little sad that people are afraid to get close to me before I leave. Oh well.

2. I've started biting my nails again. This was a habit I thought had turned to ashes along with the house on 588. I find myself with my fingers in my mouth gnawing away like the dweeb that I was in the 7th grade. Watching myself type I can't wait to bite up on my left thumb nail.

3. My mom started crying today at work, I fucking hate when she gets all emotional about me leaving. She went into this tangent about me possibly being sold into sex slavery, and how she's afraid if I leave I'll never come back. Now a few things.. A.) I don't think anybody would want a 21 year old smart mouthed sex slave.. B.)I hate when anybody gets emotional about me leaving. So far it's only been my mom and [blank] and both have made me feel both guilty and sad (at first)then guilty and sad progressed into "I want better things for you, so I get it." Both have reached a peace and understanding that goes hand in hand with them not really speaking to me. This sucks but like bulletin 1. I get it. I understand.

4. I know for a fact that you won't say shit to me before I leave. This stings but won't leave a mark. I guess 16 years of friendship isn't really that long when you take into consideration that we were just two sad girls with crazy families who became friends in the third grade. We just so happened to be stuck in the same small town spinning our wheels and doing the same small town shit, I'm surprised we stuck around as long as we did. Now you seem happier and you've moved onto bigger and better things, and soon I will too. I know you'll never read this but if you do please don't tell me that you did. Just know that this is how I truly feel.

5. I bought distressed boots (slight wedged heel) on south street for $20 last weekend. They keep my feet warm and I feel 7feet tall and completely slenderized. The heel gives me a slight advantage over street peasants as I clunkclunkclunk like an equestrian god with raven hair and coal black eyes. Maybe one day I'll be able to wear actual high-heels and feel beautiful instead of just awkward.

6. I bought a case of diet coke and instantly felt like a heifer.

In two weeks this shit will be OFFICIAL.

The only secrets we talked about were all the fears, In all these years we spent together.

2010-01-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

R.I.P Timmy

Don't hate me, hate the money I see, clothes that I buy, Ice that I wear, clothes that I try

2010-01-17T14:58:00.001-08:00

tengo ojos grandes

I love having a job where I work with animals and make a ridiculous amount of money (where da cash at) and get paid every single week like clockwork. I love having a job where I never have to wear makeup and every morning I just throw on a band t-shirt and keds. I've grown so close to our clients that they know what my favorite drink is (diet coke with lime) and call ahead and offer to bring my mom and I lunch whenever their dogs have an appointment.

These are the same clients who's dogs run to me and greet me with kisses. The same clients who get teary eyed when I tell them I'll be leaving in a few months. I can't imagine having a job that doesn't involve listening to my favorite music all day and playing with dogs. Thinking too much about this is starting to bum me out, but I'm 21 and it's time to grow up and make a life for myself.

I'm not leaving anybody behind, you're all welcomed to come visit me in the Nippon. We can take the ferry to Korea and buy iphones for cheap. xx

Empathy takes energy,

2010-01-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

It was the winter of space heaters and naval oranges. The furnace light was on but it wasn't blowing any hot air. "Oh well, it cost too much money anyway," so we all slept with space heaters in the corner of our rooms. I slept with 3 blankets and my pink bath robe just trying to keep warm. I layered up like a caveman with bearskins, I wouldn't stand defeated, I would sleep warm tonight.

Naval oranges were the only food my body would consume that year. There was a bad frost in Florida so all the oranges were doubled in size tough like leather and tart to the taste, impossible to peel by hand so you had to use a butcher knife. It was almost like eating a grapefruit but with no sugar on the top. I ate 3 cyclops oranges a day.

I spent my days working, slowly feeling more numb by the hour. Some days I had no recollection of even driving home, I'd be standing in the shower starring at my black hair dye clinging between my toes, unsure of how I even took off my clothes, let alone turned on the water and stepped inside.

Something was wrong with the tub that year so whenever you took a shower there was at most 3-5inches of water you were left standing in, like a bird bath full of soap and grit. This left a ring around the tub that was impossible to scrub clean but it didn't really bother me and we never had company.

I spent my nights wrapped up in blankets and books, reading anything I could get my hands on but retaining very little. I pulled out all of my old school books and began re-reading the "Theories on Human Ethics 101" "Psychology for Substance Abuse" remembering a time when I had the heart to want to help people. There were sentences underlined with a neon highlighter, little notes in the margins (remember this will be on the test! remember empathy for others is very important!) it had only been a few months ago that I was still in school, but it felt like years. The person writing those notes was a ghost to me now.

I became velcro to my cellular device, needy and optimistic I would check to see if you'd stopped in to say hello, you never did. Not once. I would listen to sad songs that reminded me of past boyfriends, boys I'd never even cared about, boys that meant very little in the grand scheme of things. Boys with bad breathe like coffee and pushy hands that I always turned down. I thought about these boys because I just got sick of always feeling everything for you. You were always very needy in that way, you wanted me to feel everything and when I started feeling nothing you got quiet and I was just always tired.

I was once called an ice queen to my face. "you have no idea how sad you really are inside" he snarked. I looked at my boots and didn't say anything and for once I didn't have a comeback. I was wearing red lipstick that day and I felt like a clown.

I went back to my ice box, the smell of cat piss and weeks worth of old beer cans lining the kitchen counter. The couch cushions were dirty and there was shit everywhere, literally nobody cared about the house at all, not even me that year. I crawled into my bed shivering and listened to the party in the basement my brother + his friends and some new soulja boy song, skunk weed lingering up the heater vents. I tried to listen to my headphones but every song had something sad to say. My stomach growled so I sat up and ate an orange, although it could have passed for a grapefruit. Nobody would have ever known the difference.

I've spent too many years just co-existing. I'm ready to feel something.

PMA PMA PMA PMA

2010-01-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

My best friend comes back from India in 3 1/2 days.

You may hide on one side, and me on the other, you may speak, but wait for me should my sentence faulter

2010-01-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

So here we are
Again
Back to the beginning
So the salt will spill again
Throw it over your shoulder

This is a video of Nancy Holloway footage mixed in with the Broadcast song "Before We Begin Again" and trust me, it's awesome. I could watch the opening scene where she's just shakin' it over and over again. If I were to ever seriously pursue my childhood dreams of becoming a singer in an indie band, I'd have to practice some Nancy Holloway/Emily Haines shakes, because they're both on point.

--

I've been on a serious update kick which is good because as soon as the urge to write fills my fingertips, it's just as quickly drained from my head and all I'll want to do is sleep and eat candy.

After subscribing to my girl Hannah's BLOG she kindly linked everyone to her Platform article where she wrote "Self Inflicted Injuries I Could Have Done Without." It got me thinking about one of my favorite things to make fun of myself for; my total lack of grace.

I've never been graceful, not ever, not for a split second. I attempted to do ballet when I was a kid but my mom quickly made me quit upon realization that it cost A.) too much money and B.) I was the biggest kid in the class, she didn't want to make me feel self-conscious (thanks mom!)

Throughout my 21 years of existing on this earth I have never been one of those prim and proper girls who could do things without looking like an asshole, I've always been awkward. I spill drinks and slaughter an entire forest because I require a million napkins whenever I'm eating. I also grew up with two brothers and was raised by my step dad, another bad component on the manners and "ladylike" spectrum. It also didn't help that during the hell that is known as "puberty" I suddenly woke up one morning and had sprouted to a staggering 5'8, with boats for feet that fit inside a size 9 shoe. Needless to say I was a ticking time bomb for clumsy mishaps and childhood embarrassment.

I'm not sure if other tall girls (or just people in general) can relate to this, but during puberty I found myself tripping an awful lot. Sometimes I'd just get up from a chair and my legs would give out. It was almost as if my brain and body were not yet synchronized. My brain was too busy trolling AOL chat rooms and reading TeenBOP magazines, listening to the TLC Crazy.SEXY.Cool album and wondering when I was going to grow boobs. My brain had no time to be all "Hey legs, whazzup? Oh you want to walk, well ok, give me a second - oh damn, shit, did you just fall? MY BAD!"

During 8th grade arithmetic I raised my hand and politely asked to use the restroom. Upon standing I somehow managed to step directly into my open book bag, take one step forward, tripp, scream "SHITTT" and fall right on my face in front of the entire class. All my mates started cracking up (I mean, I would have done the same thing.) Luckily by 8th grade I'd learned to laugh at myself so I didn't take it personally, with red cheeks I took a graceful bow and went to the bathroom (as planned) to piss and reflect in the ladies room stall. I starred at the countless "I LOVE JOEY" and "LISA IS A SLUTBAG" middle school graffiti scribbled on the walls with sharpies. I took a deep breath and decided "Ehh.. fuck it, it could always be worse."

Fast forward to 6th period English class where I overheard a girl I didn't like with crispy bangs and bad skin snarking "Did you hear that huge thud last period from Mrs. Ambrose's math room? Jesus Christ, it sounded like a goddamn elephant!" I tried to pretend like it wasn't me, you know, the elephant.

Then a few weeks later I was walking to my 5th period History class that was located in a trailer (kid you fucking not, I grew up in Delaware) in the courtyard of my Middle School. There was a concrete sidewalk that lead from the front door of the Middle school to the hopeless History class trailer. On a particularly freezing winter day I quickly tried to walk from point A to point B. One minute my legs were working just fine, hey we're really getting the hang of this whole walking thing, and the next minute I was sprawled out on the sidewalk, my books everywhere and my knee bleeding. I hit my chin on the sidewalk too and my palms were all scratched up.

The biggest dickhead in class was right behind me (of course) and was having a fucking field day. For the first time in my life I didn't feel clumsy, I felt embarrassed. I was a teenage girl after all, stuffed to the brim with ragging hormones. One minute I was happy and the next I was sad, one minute I was siked on shaving my armpit hair and the next I was knicking my legs and all pissed off at the world. I picked myself off the ground and screamed "Fuck you!" He looked at me, stunned, "Uhh.. are you ok.." I shot daggers at him and started gathering up my books "No I am not OK I just fell on my face for no fucking reason!"

[I remember at this point I was becoming kind of worried that I just kept falling all the time. I had a brief talk with my mom about my concerns "Maybe there's something wrong with me mom," but she literally laughed in my face and told me to drink more milk.]

With all the sass and salt in the world I picked up my books and walked into the trailer. I took my seat and busted out my gel pens, ready to write my best friend a note about what just happened.

I was mid scribble when I looked up to see the bully standing beside my desk. "Hey look, I'm sorry I laughed at you.. I hope you're alright" was all he said. We made strange eye contact and he never teased me about me falling again. After that I can't really remember having anymore clumsy falling-flat-on-my-face spells. I had an awkward fainting spell when I was a cashier at Walgreens, but that's an entirely different story.

Stay clumsy guys. And tell me your similar stories, you know, if you have any. And if you don't have any that makes you perfect, in which case GTFO.

I got more riches than you, fuck more bitches than you,

2010-01-11T10:19:00.001-08:00

Only thing I haven't got is more, stitches than you
Fuckin punk, you ain't a +leader+ what? nobody followed you
You was never shit, your mother shoulda swallowed you
you on some tagalong flunkie yes man shit
Do me a favor, please get off the next man dick

Big L always said it best.

The past few days have been a whirlwind. I'm in a rush to get all my passport things in order and I keep forgetting to eat, when I forget to eat my blood sugar starts to freak out and I get shaky/ start getting bad headaches. I think I'm going to go make some waffles or something when I'm finished writing this.

This weekend I received one of the best mix tapes (technically it's only the 2nd one I've ever been given,) and I'm content with the fact that it only took me 7years to meet this goal of mine. Well worth the wait. The other mix was from my friend Catherine circa 2006, it was awesome and she still holds the title for most creative tape-cover, I mean really? My name all bedazzled? How could anybody TOP THAT.

I really need this for my trip:

It's only $100 + two packs of film, such a deal. I plan on taking tons of pictures while I'm gone and scanning them for my blog. So keep your eyes peeled for that. Ok, my entire body is about to shut down I'm off to make waffles and keep day dreaming about my new life - peace.

Ten storey love song, I built this thing for you.

2010-01-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

First week of March I'll be en-route to Yokosuka, Japan to meet up with my biological father and start a new life. I'm pretty freaked out but super excited. I'm thinking about having a going-away party but I feel like those are a bit narcissistic. I'll just keep playing everything by ear.

I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,

2010-01-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

I think I found God today
while cutting my hair
into a white porcelain sink
watching the strands form
a constellation of stars to tell
the story of my future.

I think I found God today
while watching men bathe
in a blue and white fountain;
in water they became women
with thick hair and full lips to tell
the story of my future.

I think I found God today
while I slept under an olive tree
having sacred dreams of snowdrops
growing out of tears and trees
on their knees telling
the story of my future.

I love Elena Georgiou.

"Put together a zine of writings and pictures of you in lingerie."

2010-01-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

---

Some of the hardest hip hop songs, ever!(oh you didn't know?)

fresh dressed (like a million bucks)

2010-01-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

I had the funnest NYE of my life, without a doubt. I have bruises all over my feet from dancing so much and drunk girls in stilettos stepping on me. The highlight of the night was definitely seeing everyone dance to Mj's "Rock with you" and grabbing Katie D's hand and dancing to daft punk with a really uncomfortable guy, who eventually ditched us so we danced by ourselves anyway.

I got a total of maybe 4 hours of sleep the entire weekend and passed out on the bus ride back to Wilmington, and drooled on shoulder of the thugged out dude sitting next to me. Today I've spent my last day off sleeping and being a human droid. I'm still in my pajamas and yet to shower. My gray matte nail polish isn't shipped (surprisingly) and our washer and dryer are both broken so all my clothes are dirty and thrown in a pile in the corner of my room. It's been so cold lately and I really need to wrap my windows with plastic.

My New Years resolutions are the following :
not to be such a whiny ass girl all the time
write more (summit more of my writing.)
sing in a band
live on my own
not drink soda
let go of the past
forgive and forget
lower my sugar intake
and last but no least, sleep more.

These are pretty epic, lets hope I can stick to at least one of these.

I said I wasn't going to write in this for awhile, but nobody reads this anyway so it barely makes a difference. Hello 2010!

YOU GOTTA SINK TO SWIM!

2009-12-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

I won't be writing in this for awhile.

Any day now..

2009-12-24T18:46:00.001-08:00

When I'm going through any major transition in my life (either good or bad) there are always two common denominators, music and underwear.

Music
There is always a singular album (just leaked or something old that I've fallen back in love with). I can pinpoint entire albums that helped me get through shit. The Initial Friend EP Rilo Kiley got me over my first real heartbreak. Owen's I Do Perceive was the catalyst for my first real breakup. Land of Talk's Some are Lakes helped me when my mom went to rehab, and now it's Beach House's Teen Dream that has been easing me through this hard MOTHERFUCKIN time. But woe is life, and I always get through it, but I'm thankful that I've got music there, always backin me up.

Underwear
I always find that buying sexy new underthings never hurt anybody. There's something refreshing about picking out a little lace here, maybe you'll stumble across a 5 for $25 deal or something, you never know. I read somewhere that when every relationship ends you should treat yourself to all new panties, throw out the old ones along with the old memories. The french have an entire concept about underwear and perfume being the very epitome of femininity. Personally, I like the feeling of knowing I've got it going ON underneath my BDBG jeans. Even if nobody is going to see them (let's be real here) it's still cool to know that if Mike Rowe just so happens to be waiting in a utility closet, he wouldn't be disappointed. /End sexual fantasy.

The world's a mess, and it's in my kiss

2009-12-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

I serial-dated girls with dark hair and brooding temperaments who rolled their eyes at the slightest of irritations. Normal boys longed for golden-0haired girls in stonewashed jeans, Not me. I was turned on by pale-skinned women who talked about death and would likely grow up to shoplift.

I bought this book as an early Christmas present to myself. It arrived two weeks late. The book is a compilation of a few writers talking about mix tapes from their past lovers. Each story is unique and interesting, bittersweet with a track list posted on the side. My own similar "mix tape from an ex" is a little complicated, kind of embarrassing, but in true Erica Moreno fashion I'm not one to pass on an opportunity to make fun of myself.

I was almost always the mix maker. I would sit at my computer for hours trying to put together something so beautiful and perfect, something so special that the person on the other end would fall madly in love with me. I would spend hours on the track list, perfecting my fancy cursive, cutting out scraps from magazines and drawing little swirls with sharpie paint pens.

There was a mix I made for an older lacrosse player at my school. He had shaggy hair and kind of a wide nose. For some reason I was crushing pretty hard on him. I made him a mix with all this "obscure indie" (think the entire Garden State soundtrack and like, two or three Metric "Old world Underground" jams.) I slipped the mix into his locker slot (romantic, right?) and waited for him to sign onto aim instant messenger to profess his love to me. Instead, he imed me to say "hey, that one band The Shins is fucking cool," I bit my lip, placed my fingers on the home keys, I typed "yeah, ha, they rule!" This was the list time we ever spoke.

Then there was the mix I made for my "first real boyfriend" in high school. This means this boy actually muttered the words "hey.. will you be my girlfriend?" on New Years eve, actually. I shook my head of curls and smiled, "Yes! Of course!" I would make him barrels of mix tapes during our hot n heavy two week long relationship. We mostly talked on the phone and hugged each other in the hallways. He slipped me the tongue ONCE. I introduced him to The Magnetic Fields, Metric, Modest Mouse, and The Good Life. I remember "Album of the Year" by The Good Life was "our song." A few weeks after we broke up I overheard him talking about "how The Magnetic fields are so fucking cool" in our homeroom.

I wanted to vomit and call him THE FUCK OUT, I introduced him to all that shit! Before he knew me this clown listened to Dave Matthews band, but instead I just went back to chewing on my nails or something.

The pattern (as you can obviously see) was always me trying to trap boys into falling for me, via music. I never thought that my personality or undeniable charm would do the trick, no, no it was a piece of plastic with a ribbon and something witty scribbled on the front in sharpie.

I would make my girlzz mixes as well, but those were less thought out and usually thrown together by chance. I don't think either one of those bitches necessarily enjoyed or appreciated my talent either.

The saga continues..

But then there was one boy. George. George was a year younger than me (I was sixteen) and he was fifteen and a half. He was taller than me which was why I noticed him in the first place. He went to a private school and had conventionally good looking features, freckles and green eyes. Black hair. My mom really liked him, which still to this day is a world record.

We were introduced by a friend of a friend, and took to chatting on instant messenger after school. And then, during a conversation about how much I loved Rilo Kiley George asked "hey, would you like me to make you a mix?" I remember starring at the screen and thinking "ohhh shit" no boy had ever so much as handed me a pot to piss in at this point, so of course I typed back "yeah! of course!"

I think we met up at a local show or something, exchanged mixes. His was perfect, track list and everything, all this new indie music that I'd never heard of. This would start off a month long relationship of mix making. He would make me about one a week and somehow find a way to give them to me. I could feel that he was sort of falling for me, but I tried to just write it off as us being friends. I had my eyes cast on someone even taller, some guy who was way older. George was just too sweet, did too much for me, he was just a baby. But his mixes, goddamn, they were perfect.

Spring came and George told me he was going on a trip to Europe. I pretended to be excited for him. One day after school I had a headache and decided to lay down. I was mid-dream when my mom came into my room and said "Erica, George is on our front porch wearing a suit." Cranky and frantic I ran down the steps, and sure enough, yeah there was George, wearing a fucking suit.

"What are you doing here?" I shouted. I know the words came out more cruel then they were intended. I wasn't used to be surprised, I didn't like surprises. I was the one who surprised people, not wearing a suit, but none the less this was reversing the roles for me. His eyes were cast low "I just wanted to give you some stuff before I leave, to let you know I'll miss you." I felt my stomach drop to my toes, I was such a bitch to him. If you're somehow reading this George I'm really sorry.

He handed me two mixes, some of my favorite paint pens and some other miscellaneous things he knew I liked, because unlike every other guy he'd actually taken the time to listen to me when I talked. I hugged him goodbye, told him I'd miss him and thanked him for coming. His shoulders were stiff and the polyester of his collar rubbed my cheek. He smiled half heatedly but he now knew how I felt, he didn't even have to ask.

I went up to my room and popped the one mix in, the lyrics
You remind me of home: the paint cracks when the water leaks
from the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet
You remind me of home: the heater's warm but fills the room with a
potpourri of dust and gas fumes
Ben Gibbard's voice made it all so clear to me, I fucked up a good thing.

But it was too late, he'd already left and I felt awkward. My skin felt itchy. I later apologized to him, told him how much the mixes and him showing up really meant to me. He seemed ok with it, but I knew he wasn't. He left for Europe and I received two postcards, One from Barcelona, Spain and another from somewhere in Paris. The Paris postcard was written entirely in French, as the Barcelona postcard was in Spanish, so I had no idea what either of them said.

When he came back we set up awkward small talk here and there, but deep down I knew I'd broken his heart. Maybe not in the way you break someone's heart when you're a little older, but I was his first real crush (so I felt) and I wasn't every nice. I still feel kinda bad about this.

Anyway, the mixes live on. I still have countless track lists and cassettes/cd's stuffed in an empty wine box under my bed. When I stumble across them I always end up smiling. The last time I facebook lurked George he'd found a really nice girl, hopefully one who appreciates him for the musical mastermind that he truly is.

My heart stands for nothing, and your souls too weak.

2009-12-22T15:46:00.001-08:00

There comes a time in a young woman's life where she begins to reflect on all her past lovers. All the people she's kissed, dissed or even held hands with. There are other things people do when they're a bit older, but we won't mention those things here. I keep thinking about how for some reason the ones who chose me, were never good enough. They were too boring. The boys who brought me mix tapes and ice cream to my front door, the boys who told me I was beautiful and to keep my curls, those were the boys I never bothered with. I tossed them aside like a bra with a broken clasp.

I pursed my lips out to the men who told me I should change my hair, the men who told me I talked too much. The men who watched my mouth move and never noticed the gap between my teeth, they were focusing in on my glittery chap stick. I put on too much makeup for these men, made them mix tapes that they tossed under their beds. Their stubble would irritate my chin, they would kiss my neck too hard and always asked me why I had a curfew. They never wanted to buy me limeade or hear about my childhood.

There was one guy who sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll call him E. E was a tortured soul from the wrong side of the tracks, he loved Elliott Smith (ha ha) and listened to Bright Eyes. He was 6'1 and thin, wore skinny jeans and was in some local band. He had big green eyes and wore thick black Buddy Holly glasses. All these things would classify this dude as a straight up dork, but he somehow inherited one of the biggest egos (still to this day) of anybody I have EVER met. This guy thought he was gods gift to women. It didn't matter that he was terribly awkward in social situations, that he could barely work up the courage to grab my hand when we were alone. His tongue was clumsy in my mouth and his lips were chapped. It didn't matter that he often wore band t shirts that were too small for his long torso, he thought he was the shit so I damn well believed him.

So the night when E asked for my number, as you can only imagine, I was a puddle. I took to his bullshit like a kitten with a saucer of milk. After all I was only 16, and nobody told me that if it sounds too good to be true, it fucking is. I found out the hard way that he had about 3 other girls (a blond, a brunette, and even a redhead) who he was recycling around to entertain himself. When I called him out, he of course denied it, told me he was "falling in love with me" (ha ha) and tried to string me along some more. After a few sappy aim conversations I decided this was just too exhausting for my own good. I reminded myself that he had buckteeth and wasn't that great of a kisser, all of this reasoning helped, but I still couldn't help but feel this little bolt of electricity whenever he looked over at me at a show. I'd keep eye contact for a few seconds then break it abruptly, letting him know that I wasn't going to change my mind.

Attraction is such a tricky little bitch, you honestly never know. I've had men who I wouldn't think for a second I'd want to jump into the sack with, but once they give me this little look and suddenly the pilot light is on and your cheeks are rosy. At 21 I still don't understand how this works, maybe one day I'll figure it out. If I don't I'll just remember it all and keep writing it down, Kiss by Kiss.

Ok, Ok, I'll write it down.

2009-12-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ! ! !

We wear our scarves just like a noose

2009-12-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

I've been finding reasons to stick around at work longer. Cleaning the floors, gathering the dog towels. Sometimes I'll sit on the floor and clean all the dog brushes, one by one until they're all neatly stacked in the drawer and there's a huge pile of multicolored dirty hair in a pile. I'll read a book on the front couch while the sun is warm on my face, my dark brown eyes melting between the pages. My jeans are itchy with dog hair but I still can't go home, not yet. It'll be obvious to my mom that I'm stalling and she'll remind me what time it is, Oh yeah jeez I just got wrapped up in my book, and I'll grab the car keys and drive home.

I keep counting down the days until I'm back in school. Surrounded by books and people who won't ask me how my family is, people who won't judge me based on my brother's actions. Away from the condescending emails of my biological dad, away from the sad text messages from my step dad saying he misses me and hates working nights. I really love him, it's funny to think that at 21 we're finally becoming close. At night I drive around and listen to familiar songs that make me feel warm. They fill my blood like hot chocolate and leave my mouth feeling sweet. A song reminds me of a boy who held my face so close that I thought he was going to swallow my breath. He brushed my cheek so gentle, and kissed me very soft, the song Slumbering Heart by Rilo Kiley was playing on his dashboard and my hands were shaking. I had fruity gum in my mouth and he didn't have any, but he didn't need any either.

I look at all the Christmas lights and wish we had a tree. I could put up my own hello kitty lights in my room but those remind me of something I'm trying not to think about right now. So I turn my space heater on and I write, or I read. Sometimes randoms will text me and this is a nice distraction. I don't get phone calls anymore, so I usually read to the point of exhaustion so I won't have to think about this.

All my dogs snuggle up against my legs and I scratch my scalp, my hairs getting long and I'm looking washed out. My mom tells me my hairs too dark. When I'm stressed out (which is often these days) I bite down (hard) on my bottom lip. While brushing my teeth I notice my peppermint tooth paste is stinging the inside of my lip. I lean into the mirror for inspection, I count tiny indentations from my crooked top teeth, I make a mental note to cut this shit out.

Dear brain,

2009-12-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to think my entire family has some strange set of rules I was born unaware of.

Tell 'em how you feel girl

2009-12-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

You remind me of home: the paint cracks when the water leaks
from the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet
You remind me of home: the heater's warm but fills the room with a
potpourri of dust and gas fumes

You remind me of home: a broken bed with dirty sheets that creaks
when I am shifting in my sleep
You remind me of home: in a suburban town with nothing to do,
patiently waiting for something to happen
But the foundation is crumbling and becoming one with the ground
while you lay there in slumber...
You're wasting your life.. wasting.. your life.

You remind me of home: sitting on a thrift store couch, I'm trying to
get this all down

I'm still wanting my face on your cheek.

2009-12-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

When I think about my childhood a few things come to mind; cream dried beef on toast, waking up cold, the big bathroom on Main street, and walking to school every morning. There were high ceilings and the radiator clanked and spewed black smoke in the winter. Fights echoed through the wallpaper next door and our landlords daughter was once found wandering in the middle of the street, at 2a.m with just a diaper on. The smell of coffee in the morning and my mom always working late. My step-dad brushing my hair and always putting in a bow my Nana had snuck into his back pocket, specifically for me. Our neighbor, Kris, who practically raised my brother's and I with her chubby face and shirts tucked into her high wasted jeans. She had a huge St. Barnard named Charlie, he wore a baby's bib to catch all his slobber. We would play video games when it was cold, and walk to the general store on the corner when it was warm. I once bought my mom cigarettes when I was 9, nobody cared in that neighborhood. The same corner store got robbed and the bread prices went up. Sometimes my brother Ian and I would take a shortcut through the graveyard on our way to school, he'd hide behind the tombstones and whisper "this is where Grandpop Joe sleeps." I would look out my window at the busy street at night and hope to see my mom walking home, but most of the time I'd just catch the neighbors fighting in the streets. My best friend, Ashley, lived with her grandmother at 343 East Main. Her grandmother was very small and had a toilet in the living room. I once choked on a tic-tac in their living room and her grandmother screamed from the couch, with a bottle of wine between her legs, "Just fucking swallow it!" She smelled like mothballs and always baked diabetic cookies. Her kitchen had a very low ceiling. They crushed cans in their mudroom and had a huge garden, this convinced me that they must be rich. Her grandfather was the Mayor of our town, and his power scared me. He was named Oak and had a mean, crinkly face. His heart stopped in the bathtub and Ashley didn't speak for a few days. She told me her grandfather was a ghost. I asked her grandmother if he was buried across the street, with my Grand pop, and I made her cry. Ashley and I would hide in the attic whenever her grandmother cried. She'd become sad and turn the tv up too loud. We'd run up the cracking steps, coming to a curl at the foyer where we'd open up the attic door. We'd both scream "HONEY, I'M HOME!" There was a bed (reminded me of the bed from Bed knobs and Broomsticks,) and a few boxes as well as an old television set. The boxes had all her grandmother's old clothes, beautiful feathered hats and antique gowns. We used to pretend this was our apartment. I once kissed a framed picture of her half brother. Ashley told her brother (he was about 20 at the time, me being 10 or 11,) and her brother blushed, kissed my cheek and whispered "you're going to be a stunner when you're older." He was my first *kiss* and we found out years later that he was a heroin addict. He's buried across the street, with Ashley's grandfather. 334 East Main Street.

My mission is clear

2009-12-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to write for a few weeks. Whenever I get sad my fingers freeze up. I get frontal headaches that make my heart race. My anxiety starts to trickle out in unconventional ways, at work when the phone's keep ringing, when the trash starts to pile up in my bedroom. I can't sleep, music has no sound, and nobody can hear me when I say "something's wrong." I've been saying this for a good year now, this isn't how I wanted it to be. I feel like instead of progressing, I'm just slowly deconstructing. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl who just goes to a party, has a couple of drinks and feels better. But I'm not that girl. I'm not even a girl anymore, I'm a motherfucking WOMAN which freaks me out even more! I'm trying to make plans (in between working constantly and drinking tons of DARK chocolate hot coco,) and with each setback I just keep getting more pissed off. I'm throwing my hands up to the fates and hoping this will work out, that I'll figure all of this shit out. I need to stop worrying about hurting other people, they're the ones who aren't giving me what I want.

One more word and you won’t survive

2009-12-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

My life via Mobile uploads :

Freaky Grooming Magazine, my old block, Nutella french toast, cute dog from work, the sweater Rashi's grandmother knitted (as seen on a corpse.)

I'm a girl, but when it's cold out I'm a Dog

2009-12-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really want to get married. I want the white dress, the ring on the left hand. I want to smile in all my wedding pictures showing all of my teeth (even the front left tooth that's a little crooked.) I want to wear a wedding dress without the itchy kremlin underneath, I want my best friends to cry because I look like an angel. Suddenly after years of convincing myself that I'd never get married, never have a wedding, officially at 9:32PM on December 2nd I have changed my mind. I want everything a story book can promise/ end delusions.

I had bad blood,a twisted mind, a pecarious upbringing.

2009-12-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

8:39 - 8:57 I really can't think of a single thing to write.

My words don't travel far. They tangle in my hair and tend to go nowhere.

2009-11-18T12:17:00.001-08:00

They grow right back inside
right past my brain and eyes
into my stomach juice
where they don't serve much use
No healthy calories
nutrition values
and I absorb back in
the words right through my skin
They sit there festering inside my bowels

Things on rotation : fake Gucci sweatshirt, brown keds, cherry coke, Claritin D, blueberry granola, flannel sheets, Regina Spektor, my space heater, black Cleopatra hair, my dogs all the time. Working, missing ring (still) birthday soon, new jeans and carb-heaven is in my near future.

Nothing is terribly new. I met my musical counterpart a few weeks ago. We're working on meshing his insane classical guitar skills in with my folky-shy lil'girl voice. Looking forward to future endeavors in that area! Today a man at work told me my name is "beautiful and unique" which made me smile. I'm so glad my mother decided to name me Erica, I like it more and more the older I get.

Speaking of older.. I keep thinking about all my past birthdays, the ones that stuck out the most. Here are some recaps (as far back as I can remember.)

I had a birthday sometime in elementary school where my moms friend brought over a trunk full of old clothes, and we all played dress up. There is a picture of me with tons of makeup on and this flapper-style dress. My hairs long and blown out and I have bangs! This was a good birthday, and for some reason the pictures from my birthday party were in my towns newspaper? I still have the article saved somewhere.

Then there was the bday my freshman year of hs aka THE BIG ONE FOUR, where my mom took my two friends and I to the Dover Mall. I mean, first off, the Dove Mall? Really mom!? And to make matters WORSE my mom had the NERVE to bring my little brother, who I had placed a vendetta upon the minute he came out of my mother's womb and took the spotlight off *me. He of course being the adorable little shithead that he was, took all the attention off of me ( a duhh) and somehow turned my friends against me (!!) and they all ended up making fun of me, on my motherfuckin' birthday! ASSHOLES.

I remember hiding in a dressing room in Jcpenny's because I didn't want to be around anybody (puberty much?) Of course in retrospect I was being a jealous little bitch, but nonetheless it was a pretty shitty birthday. We ate horrible pizza in the food court and somebody across the room got into a fist fight. Tables were being flipped and people were screaming, the mall security guard sped over in her fucking electrical wheelchair. I may or may not have turned on Missy Elliot's "Get ya freak on" in the car ride home, only to be laughed at, yet again.

My 18th birthday was spent on the internet trying to convince people to hang out with me. My birthday always falls on or directly before/after Thanksgiving, and that year it fell on Black Friday. Not a single human would do anything with me. My poor mom and step dad ended up making me a car and buying me an ice cream cake, pretty pathetic. The next day I had work, which was unfortunately the highlight of my entire week.

Here's to not throwing myself a pity party and hoping 21 is a little more loving. xo

Somewhere between the sticky floor and the cracks in the ceiling cuddling my semi automatic, what a very fuzzy feeling

2009-11-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

Friday the 13th wasn't terrifying or unlucky at all.

"I wanna hear your voice and look in your eyes and kiss your lips and feel your skin."

2009-11-11T20:58:00.001-08:00

She whispered "Maybe one day you'll really understand. You'll know how it feels to wake up alone. There will be ice frozen across the inside of your chest. Icicles will form on your ribs like a steel city bridge. Your cheeks will never feel warm, your bed will never be home. You'll desperately try to break the spine from your back, soak away worry in a hot tub. But it won't work, nothing will work. Maybe one day you'll understand how lonely it is to be trapped inside these arms."

He looked at her with those soft brown eyes. His lips parted ever so slightly and he sighed "I'm sorry but I do no feel anything close to that." His head fell into his hands, clumps of hair screaming between his fingers.

This was the reason she could never be tied down. No matter how many times she let her heart escape and go about loving, the feelings always ended up leaving. They sunk deeper into an unknown chest cavity, also known as the human time capsule. The first kiss, secret freckles, the smell and silent hum he'd make when kissing her, all these memories weren't meant for living. This was the hardest part, realizing that no matter how many times she let herself love, that they would always get up and leave. Her reckless fears of abandonment weren't so reckless. What's the point in having someone love you if they only stay with you out of fear? They weren't looking at you like some goddess, their eyes weren't trying to drink you up, you were just a project. They felt sorry for you. That was pity. You just needed them at the time and they just wanted to help. They wanted to crack open your mind and here your sob story while they spit out the bad parts, only to have them look at you like some belly-bloated Ethiopian in the end. They'd throw a bag of rice in your direction and say "Look, fuck it. I did all I could do. I did my part. I'm not such a bad guy." This was the the hardest part of all.

Saturn squares Pluto, which suggests that your changing values are becoming very different from those of your friends.

2009-11-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

I keep having dreams where I'm swimming in an ocean full of Jell-o. What the fuck does that mean?

Everywhere it's six-sex-six by luck

2009-11-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

Fall music

--

There is a secret freckle directly underneath my cupids bow. I have a scar underneath my right eyebrow, thick indented and uneven skin in criss-cross pattens, evidence of a surgery I had when I was 6 months old. I have one dimple in my left cheek. My teeth are crooked. I can pop my left thumb out of socket. I can cross both of my eyes. I'm awkward and weird, I like to crochet and read borrowed books. I'm obsessed with good smelling things and I actually suck at making pancakes. I'm still working on the art of being "mysterious" one day I will figure everything out.

Earth will either live or turn to dust

2009-11-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

Curly hair smells so damn good.

Pho gods sake!

2009-11-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

All I've been craving

I welcome the dead into my soul.

2009-11-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Mischief Night Matt's car got egged AND milked. We watched "Drag Me To Hell" with a huge group of friends while passing buttery popcorn with various chocolate candies mixed into the bowl. My personal favorite was popcorn mixed with chocolate cookie dough chunks.

Halloween Night Was overcast and ~creepy~ Matt's mom made "Spooky Cupcakes" and we watched "Trick of Treat." His little cousin's came over to show us their Halloween costumes. There was pinhead, a nerd, a puppy, and a kitten. One cousin was just wearing a red wig but I forget what she was supposed to be.

I can't believe in three weeks I'll be 21, growing up really freaks me out. I'm on the bus now coming from NEPA en route Philly. They finally got WIFI on these buses which makes my trip 90times easier. The only downside is I've had a nasty cold all weekend and I'm currently experiencing one of my extreme coughing fits. Everyone on the bus is starring at me while I cough so loud and violently, that mascara is running down my cheeks. I know for a fact that I have another upper respiratory infection (I get these every fall and every spring) and I should go to the doctor, but I seriously can't afford anything right now. It has something to do with me having weak lungs because my mom smoked when I was a baby, and I'm constantly around smoke my entire life. The only good thing (as my doctor has pointed out time and time again) is that I myself am not a smoker. I think I'm going to start living in a bubble.

I got this weird email from my biological father saying he wanted my brother and I to visit our Spanish grandparents in Pittsburgh this Christmas. I haven't been on a plane since I was an infant, and I've never been away from my mom for Christmas. I haven't seen my Spanish grandparents since I was 13, and I haven't even talked to them once since then. As fun as an awkward as hell Christmas vacation sounds, I think I'll pass. I told him I'd be willing to compromise, say maybe visit a week or two before or after the Holidays, but that asking me to go on the actual holiday itself was out of the question. Like usual form my bio-dad has chosen not to reply. His way is the only way, which I have sadly learned. Some people never cease to amaze me.

The rest of life is pretty good. I can't complain. I'll do a real update soon, pinky promise.

Even if you call, can't hear you at all

2009-10-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Some days I just feel small and sad. I feel like hiding away under the covers with my dogs forever. I make myself a big bowl of oatmeal, slip into the biggest sweater I can find, and turn off my phone. Some days I just need to spend being sad. I think as a girl who grew up with all men I learned quickly to always hide your feelings. Cover them with blankets and sweaters, never be a bother. More importantly don't bother other people with how you feel, because chances are they aren't going to understand, and they probably won't care at all. People can never understand the way that they make you feel. Nobody has the power to look that far into themselves. My life has always revolved around making everyone's life a little easier. I never want to be a burden. I never want to give anyone a reason to be upset with me. But unfortunately, for me, when it rains it pours. Deal with it.

my heart is an apple - The Arcade Fire

Let me ask you one thing

2009-10-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

are you happy?

You are so young, so feel alive. And one day you will live on your own.

2009-10-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

[click to enlarge.]

Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when our common goal was waiting for the world to end

2009-10-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

If the world is really ending in 2012 than I suggest you get your apologies in order. You had better pay those student loans, feed the dogs and iron some pants. Wait on your lawn with a cake and some candles, throw up your hands like the 4th of July.

--

Makeup haul/review

The Body Shop's new Fall Makeup line

I purchased the 2nd blusher "Cool Dusk" a soft pink muted blush with a natural-looking shimmer highlight. This is a perfect color for fair skin maidens (such as myself.) $16.10 (no tax)

L'Oreal Extra Volume Collagen Hydra Collagen Mascara (longest name,ever!)

This is by far the best mascara I've ever used. It lengths, thickens and makes you look like you're wearing falsies. It's super build able and clump-free. I use the non-waterproof formula because it's more conditioning than waterproof formulas. I reccomend this to anybody who wants bomb-ass lashes. $7 drugstores everywhere.

FRESH Lip Sugar treatment

The Body Shop

I hesitantly bought this lip treatment last winter. I couldn't justify spending $22 on basically a lip balm but my friend (as well as the Sephora worker) talked me into it, and I'm sure glad they did. This is by far the best lip balm/lip treatment I have ever used. I was blessed with big lips, which unfortunately are more prone to drying and chapping in the cold north east winters. This treatment is a witches brew full of magical reparative oils, waves and real sugar. There is SPF to prevent aging as well as a sweet and tart blackcurrant oil which cushions the lips with essential plumping fatty acids. Antioxidant grapeseed polyphenols and vitamins A,C, and E provide extra protection. It smells like lemon pound cake and tastes like fruitloops. $22.50 (no tax)

Laura Mercier Lip Silk : Lip Balm

This is a perfect "before bed" treatment. This is a retexurizing lip balm that removes dry, flaky skin and leaves a nourishing blend of vitamin E. This is a perfect product to prepare your lips for the winter, and just remember a little goes a long way. $20.00 (no tax) Sephora

Sephora brand Slim Pencil

These are a super blendable lip-liner that can worn as a lip stain. These are only $5 (hardly breaking the bank.) I bought Nude #144 and Red #45

channeling my inner Kat Dennings

It seems this fall that I'm a little obsessed with lips, kiss kiss xx

I've got a chest full of little things, keeps me remembering over the years.

2009-10-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, the songs I've ever know
Oh, the ones I've ever loved
Oh, It might just be known
Oh, it is my chest of gold

Locket reads : Love Stories.

This weekend was great and consisted mainly of shows(WHY? & Dark Dark Dark on Friday, Rival Mob on Saturday, and Title Fight/ Rise & Fall show Sunday) and eating. I really cannot think of a better past time in life than eating.. this is probably why I have to force myself to abide by strict limitations during the work week I will not eat this bagel, I will eat oatmeal insated, so I can ball outta control on the weekend and eat everything delicious! French toast stuffed with banana and cream cheese icing, endless cups of coffee, the best spinach and cheese omelet, and Indian chicken marsala. My mouths wattering just thinking about all the great food Philadelphia has to offer me.

Each day in the city got progressively colder. I realized I'm deathly allergic to Ivory soap (what the hell?) I had deep heart to hearts with Rashi about "the meaning of life" and "do you think the world is going to end in 2012?" I liked Rashi's response "If the world ends, it ends. If I die, I die. My karma isn't that bad." Perfect response.

Now I'm back in Delaware and back to the daily grinnnnddd, only today was a pretty short day and I only worked 5hours. Kinda bummed I'm missed The Pains of Being Pure last night AND Owen tonight, but I'm all showed out. I have a million things I need to check off my To-Do List. Also would like to state that although my life is incredibly boring most of the time, I'm thankful for that. I want your bad energy.

And I'm under something black, and thicker than a sheet for ghosts.

2009-10-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

Being a girl sucks. I can't believe it's already October 1st. This week is already over and then there's the next week (work everyday) then the next week (work everyday) then somewhere along the lines it'll be Halloween. I don't have a single idea for a costume. I'm off to shower and put on makeup for the first time this week. I have dinner with my dad which will prove a little difficult considering I started a new "no sugar, carbs or soda" diet. I'm thinking a huge salad is about to find it's way into my belly.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Confessions of a girly girl

2009-09-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with youtube video makeup/skincare/hair tutorials. The moment I read about a new product in Marie Claire I instantly type in "blahblah product review" into youtube and find at least 15+ reviews on this new product. This has helped me from buying a product that are horrible or a waste of money. Also everything I use in my skincare, makeup and daily hair routine are all products that got rave reviews off Youtube. I'm seriously the biggest junkie you will ever find. Here are some of my favorite channels, enjoy!

My girl lollipop26 is the #1 girly girl. She makes me want to fly out to the UK and just befriend her so I can use all her makeup, thug to thug I seriously love this girl! Not only is she a total babe but she gives the best reviews on drug store makeup as well as high end products. Her accent is so pretty and pristine and I'm always trying to scope out what nail polish she's wearing, during her videos you almost feel like you're skyping with your bff who's going to school aboard or something. Check her out, she'll become your new (not really) bff.

MichellePhan is without a doubt the "it" girl of youtube makeup tutorials right now. She covers everything from natural fask masks made out of egg whites, how to make a rice water toner, and she's taught at least 3 of my friends how to apply fake eyelashes (the one thing I'm blessed to NOT need.) Phan also did a video on "how to stretch out new shoes using ice" if you peep her channel you can definitely learn this awesome trick, that works! I was drawn to her videos because her skin is so flawless. Her videos are edited very well and without a doubt she can teach you how to be a lady, believe that.

There are the two channels I lurk the most. I have about 300 other people I subscribe to (creepy!) My new thing has been watching Lush skincare reviews. You can also type in perfume's, nail polish colors, certain lotions SERIOUSLY ANYTHING. As you can tell I'm really passionate about this kind of thing. My dream is to one day start my own skincare line and maybe even make informative videos for other product obsessed girls.. maybe someday.

Located two ribs below the heart, it is called hate.

2009-09-13T19:40:00.001-07:00

Everything we've done as teenagers, young adults, whatever you'd really like to call it, can be summed up by who we've dated. Who we've kissed, loved, fucked, sucked. Two hearts wrapped up so tightly, collected and strewn about with all these different names and faces. Fingertips or maybe just arms, regardless wrapped up in the bedroom of a party with carpets that smell like cat piss. In the back seat of a car during an indian summer, trembling because you're afraid the cops might catch you. Someone touching your face so gently, hot breath, tugging on your earlobe. The sudden feeling that prickles further than your skin, beyond penetration, pulsing at your temples. Suddenly you're feeling their skin smooth against yours and he's pinning you down by the wrists and kissing your neck.. and you've just melted into a puddle. It's this moment that suddenly changes everything, it's the turn of a knife when you realize this will be your last chance to say something important. Then you realize you've never said one important thing in your entire goddamn life. You try to mutter something sweet, something special. You want him to remember this. But then it hits you like a brick, you've never been special, you've just always been right. And we all know being right isn't the answer. The summary of all these things we strive to understand just mean; maybe in a perfect world we're all better than two bodies clanking clumsy for the first time. There's all the animals we've loved, clothes we've sewn by hand, pie crusts, pictures we've developed. We're more than the people we let climb inside our arms, those big eyes that opened up so wide. In a sense everyone is much better tucked away into a secret spot locked up inside our heads, the vault of lust, I liked you better locked away. There is more to our marrow than the root of our lust, this I know is right.

Happy Alone

2009-09-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

Just how much distance means we're on our own?

In my heart, I've always known
I gotta be happy alone
so burn the mail, destroy the phone
yeah, I'd rather be happy alone
the moving sky, the rocks below
All seem perfectly happy alone

Our little hearts have turned to stone
I'd better be happy alone.

---
Sometimes being alone is the only thing that feels right. This only furthers my theory that I'm going to die alone, surrounded by all my books and tacky thrift store collectibles. I'll be the little old lady who has a mountain of ipod nanos in her closet waiting for the day when they're "worth a lot of money." I'll probably never be close enough to conning a man into marrying me, and I really don't believe in that cheesy "soul mates" business. I'm pretty much a miserable shell of a human.

But on a less dismal note I've come to realize I only surround myself with non-needy people, which is a great thing and since weeding out all the bad apples I've come to find my life very quite and comfortable. No longer do I get angry text messages saying "You never returned my text from x/x/20xx wa wa" which would then lead me into the same pattern : eye roll "I forgot to text you back.. Sorry.." one can only go on with this cycle so long before you finally throw up your hands and shout OK, FUCK IT, I'M A SHITTY FRIEND, WHATEVER!!!! I can't stand needy people I'm not your boyfriend, give me a break! I can see my flaw in this situation.. I should try to be a better friend but in my defense, in this busy day and age, in this recession, a modern girl such as myself gets worn down, half the time I barely have a brain. I'm overworked and underachieving, what did you expect?! I never claimed to be baby Jesus.

There are times when I do in fact poke my head out of my hermit shell and say "whasssup" and those moments shine on.. or at least I'd like to think that they do. Regardless if you're my friend I actually do care about you and if I make the effort then well, that's just great, let's keep on keeping on.

I'm also seeing freaky-ass WHY? on Oct2nd with my best friend, I really cannot wait. My hips start to sway whenever I hear any of the new tracks off Eskimo Snow.

I'm starving and really want some mexican food, but I have one friend that lives here in my boring little town and unfortunately she's getting her education on. So I'll make myself a bowl of oatmeal, throw on my sweats and retire to my book in bed method, it's quite riveting, trust me. Maybe I'll try to text a few of those friends who thought I'd died and then suddenly upon resurrecting my facebook, popped up with a friendly hello. Yeah I'll do that.

Lust for Life (my video debut..)

2009-09-07T21:04:00.001-07:00

I visit these mountains with frequency

2009-09-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

My grandmother gave me a box of her mother's antique hats the other day. She sent them in the mail because the last time I saw her I was wearing a peacock feather clip in my hair. I'm not quite sure how to wear these hats (?) but they are beautiful heirlooms that I'll pass down to my daughter one day. I look pretty ridiculous in them (is my head too big?) but this one hat is my favorite, it's made of white ostrich feathers and has baby pink rose buds sewn onto the sides, my great grandm wore it on her wedding day.

--
Had a nice weekend with the boy. He surprised me with this beauty :

Euro 10speed!! He even went the extra mile and dished out $50 for new tires, I'm so excited. I took "Ethel" for her first spin, only to realize that I'm seriously out of shape. While on my bike ride I stopped to pet an old golden retriever in my neighborhood which progressed into me having a 40minute conversation with her owner who was this adorable old man taking a leisurely stroll. I told him how my boyfriend was leaving for a 12day tour in Europe with his band today. He told me how he was stationed in Austria and Paris for 2years during the war. I really can't wait to get old and wear my pants all high up and refer to 2009 as "the good ol'days."

Philly for the weekend to visit Rashi! I'm bringing my camera and my only plans are to spend way too much money on makeup at Sephora and eat something delicious every second of the day. Work is going well, school starts soon (thumbs down) I'll have Matt's car the entire time while he's away in Europe so my life just got 10x easier. I also dyed my hair all by myself today and I think it turned out well, this was pretty boring pictures and real updates soon xx Erica

One. Two. Three. Four. Who's punk what's the score?

2009-08-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

My week long vacation was nice. My skin saw sun for the first time in months, I'm getting familiar with these little freckles on my nose, shoulders and one on my top lip that I forgot creep out when I get a little tan. I ate spoonfuls of nutella on toast and drank milky tea on the tree swing in the morning. I met up with Rashi for late brunch/girl talk/ and we did some shopping and thrifting. I am now a few articles of clothing richer, and $30 poorer.

Today was my first day back to work, it turned out to be a tiresome 10hour day (blahhh) full of a million stinky dogs that I had to bathe. I was a little out of synch considering I'd been off for a week and was looking forward to my usual lunch pick me-up. As usual I went to the local deli where my mom and I normally get a sandwich and a coke. While I was standing in line I saw this guy watching me creepily.. I googled "Creepy mexican" and found this jabroni

Unfortunately I am not one of the hot babes featured above, but you get the idea of what the guy looked like, also he seemed equally as desperate as the guy pictured above.

DISCLAIMER I am hispanic so no I'm not being racist or profiling and or suggesting that all mexicans are perverts..yada yada this guy was straight up wearing a mexican pride t-shirt, so yeah'yeah you get the jist..Jah luv! Continue on with the story..

So as usual I looked super hot. I was wearing my two sizes too big levis, an old war hungry faded band t shirt, black keds covered in dog hair and my rats nest hair was pulled to the side, no makeup and I probz smelled like a wet dog.. I can totally understand why a random guy would be wayyyy into this look and compelled to do what this guy did next.. so I'm walking out to my car with my lunch when this guy walks up to me, HISSES, and motions for me to give him a blowjob!

Now I've definitely dealt with some crass motherfuckers in my day.. but this takes the cake! Especially in the deli parking lot of the small town where I work! Who does that? I can almost understand some random perv on the subway or something, but for someone to do that at 12pm on a Wednesday afternoon.. that really blew my mind, especially that this freak thought I might just you know, by chance suddenly get the ~WILD~ urge to blow him. Because there's nothing more I'd like on my lunch break then to blow you... keep dreaming dude.

So I'm starring at this weirdo with my mouth hanging open, half about to laugh and I flip him off and get into serious mode and shout "fuck off already," as I'm getting into my car. While I'm backing out of the parking space I somehow feel his lazer-perv eyes firing in on me. I briefly look over and he motions to me again! This time I flipped him off, blew him a kiss and sped away. Damn people are weird.

On a less fucked up note I came home to this new edition :

(please excuse the grease face/ lack of makeup!)

My mom found this little bundle of joy in the parking lot at work (we seem to find great things in parking lots..) we've named her Bunny (we wanted to stick with the B names in our pet-family.) She's some kind of a sweetheart, loves to sleep on my dogs belly and doesn't know how to meow. Maybe I'll teach her someday.

But I get by with these high cheek bones,

2009-08-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

The entire Owen I do Perceive album is all I really listen to when I'm feeling down. Sad music makes you feel ever sadder, therefor continuing the cycle, watch it go round and round, but I honestly don't mind. I don't think being sad is so damn bad. Humans have feelings and having feelings is part of being a human, we're lucky to have emotions. It only last a little while anyway.

I think I'm just sick of summer. I'm sick of humidity and the constant temperature being 91degrees. I hate never going to the beach and looking pale as a sheet all the time. All I do is work, 11hour days are killing me. I'd really love a pedicure. Having your feet scrubbed and polished to a lady like finish is such a wonderful feeling. But with all that money comes greed, and I don't want to waste $40 on something that's actually pretty dumb.. I can paint my own toe-nails. But it would be a such sweet treat. Who wants to spoil me rotten?

I want fall! I want cardigans, changing leaves, and bus rides up the interstate where the trees change at an alarming rate. I want school to start! I wanna feel so nerdy and stressed out. Anxious about being late for class, nervous about if my professors will like me or not, a little giddy thinking if I'll have any hot professors who throw flirty darts of intellect at me during class. I miss awkward conversations with fellow classmates, and the fact that I never like any of them because they're all normies but I sort of just play along because it's fun. I want to go to the complex and wear boots and throw leaves into the water and start shivering when the sun goes down. I want to crochet in Matt's kitchen. I want my hair so long and curly. No matter how bad life got, I always had fall to make me happy. With it's bonfires and football games. I could always FALL BACK onto fall, it was the one thing I loved that nobody could (still can't) take away from me.

There are so many things that I just want to be different. I'm so sick of this endless cycle. I feel like a cooler climate would mellow me out more clear up my sinuses take away the pollen from the trees that cause my eyes to itch. I'm bored with everything, every book I read, magazine, blog/article/newspaper blah blah they all make me yawn and I really wish there was something to excite me. Look at me sounding all miserable, I think I'm just really I'm sick of boob sweat, I mean seriously fuck boob sweat.

Hey cutie

2009-08-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

I don't care if my dog isn't big and strong and could pull me from a burning building. I don't care that he isn't tough or the trendy "it" dog at the moment. What I do care about is how he reminds me of Snuggle, how I got to stay home from school in the 6th grade because our dog Bridgette was having her puppies, and I got to wash the gooey placenta from his eyes. I sat there with my mom watching the gross little poodle-pups swoosh out, one by one. It was pretty gross, but the moment they were all cleaned off and squirming around, blind and searching from some milk, my heart melted. We have so many people that come around and say "I never liked poodles until I met your dogs!" We have three, a salt and pepper female named Bridgette (the mommy), a black male named Benny (the father) and an apricot male named Bobby (the baby.) For some reason I nicknamed Bobby "boo boo" (way before Nelly copped that term,) and still do this day he responds to like 5 different versions of his name ; Little Bob, Baba, Boo Boo, Little Baby, Boochie .. yeah it goes on and on. The funny thing is, if you ask me what my favorite dog is I'll say "ShihTzu, and my poodles, but only mine."

I don't love any poodles but our own. My mom always says once they all die (aww) she'll move onto a different breed, King Charles Spaniel most likely, because we had such a good run with our little freaky poodles. So, yeah I'm assuming this entry has made me sound like an obsessed proud I <3 POODLE LOVER but whatever, if the tacky white t fits, then so be it!

also I found this in google image search I'm lol'in

Bad Apples 2009

2009-08-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

DO you ever find yourself thinking back on an old friendship, one that's long since fallen apart and going "Hmm, man, I miss SO&SO what the hell happened?" Unfortunately due to the sensitive mind that I inherited from my mother I usually fall into this pattern about once every couple of months. I sit back and think of all the friendships that I wasn't able to save, or that I just let drown because I was sick of caring. All the significant "fall apart friendships" stick out in my mind like the first time you went to the dentist, first time you got your heart broken, first time you got b0ned, first time you broke a limb. They impact you in a way that you can never imagine, they teach you the kind of friend you never want to be.

Some people might read this and disagree, maybe you know me personally, chances are you really don't. The odds of you and I having a friendship that I just "gave up on" are slim to impossible. But maybe you think you know me. But here, let me help break it down : I've been through a lot, but I'm never going to air my dirty laundry. There is a certain level of respect one holds for themselves where despite the fact that they are a fighter/survivor whatever you'd like to call it, the hardest part will always be trying to fight that urge to blurt out your life story to every person you meet. You want to explain yourself, tell them your side of the story. Explain how bad it hurt, how you think about it all the time.

But I'll never be that kind of girl. I'll keep all the little mysteries of Erica Moreno bottled up inside like some ancient mystery. I hope you're starting to draw conclusions, because you could never come close. To all the friends I trusted, loved, did nice things for, wholeheartedly thought would have my back when shit got rough. I want to say thanks for fucking it up. For ruling out a nice person just because you didn't have it in you anymore.

Still, no regrets. It's a brand new day, I'm only 20years old. Shit changes, people change, faces - names - mouths that those mouths keep glued to their mouths, those all will change. It's called progression. For example, if you were to ask me how I liked my coffee last summer I would have told you STRONG ROAST, WHOLE MILK, AND LIKE, THREE SPOONFULS OF RAW-ASS SUGAR! But now I'm older, wise, and realized I was drinking a lot of unnecessary calories. So now my twist is still a strong roast but with skim milk and splenda. It's not that great but, progression, right?

I'm not quite sure where I was going with this entry, it's a bit scatterbrained and for that I apologize. I guess I just wanted to point out the fact that people change and friendships change, but the reason why those friendships ended, that reason changes too. I don't regret anybody I ever loved and trusted, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret those relationships falling apart, because if that had never happened I wouldn't be where I am today. Today I'm stronger than I ever imagined, there's an inner light inside me that somehow keeps shining despite all the dark clouds and moody attitudes thrown in as distractions. The hits just keep on coming, but now I feel differently. I'll stand in the middle of the street with a bulls eye on my back. Hit me.

Please do not ask me to settle.

2009-08-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

I want a shower with a sky-light.
I want to wash my hair in sunshine, condition the ends with clouds. On the overcast days I will keep my eyes shut tightly. On the rainy days I will open my eyes and pretend I'm showering in the rain forest. I will imagine my soap dish is a tree frog, watching me wash away a days worth of blood sweat and tears.

I want a big kitchen sink to do my dishes in.
No I do not want a "dish washer." We had one in my old house as a kid, it broke, we used it as a place to dry dishes after I'd hand washed them. I want green apple dish soap and three different wash cloths, clean at all times. I want an assortment of hand towels. I want to wake up in the mornings and look at all my dry dishes, I'll gently put them away, quietly because everybody else is sleeping.

I want hard wood floors.
I do not want a filthy carpet that the neighbors (when they come over to borrow a cup of Splenda,) will drag in all the dirt on their boots. Carpets are filthy dirty devices.
I want the sun to bounce off the wood and for my footprints to stick in humidity.

I want a big porch with a porch swing.
I want to sit and swing and sit and swing for hours, or until I feel sick. I want to enjoy my morning cup of coffee on that swing. I want to rock my first born child to sleep humming something soft and sweet. I'll sit there at night, still as a bird, and catch my first born sneaking in past his/her curfew.
I'll shout "GOTCHA!" and scare the crap out of them!
I'll shake my knobby finger in their face and say "You can't fool mama!"

I want a husband who tells me he loves me every single day.
Regardless if my bum gets too wide and my lips lose their fullness
I'll have wrinkles and frizzy hair
My teeth won't be as white
I'll have stretch marks and a doughy stomach, years of abuse from harvesting little humans inside my uterus.
But my man won't mind! He will push his wrinkled nose into mine and whisper "I love you."

I want to bake my family pies, and biscuits. I want to set the table for dinner every night, even if it's just my husband and I because the kids are busy with their extracurricular activities. I want to adorn my children's Easter baskets with tacky fake grass, I'll rot their teeth out with too much candy. I want to buy my children dental floss. I want to memorize my future husbands brand of deodorant, I want to buy that for him. I want to be a nurturing mama bear, I want to buy my children's school portraits because that's what normal parents do. I'll frame their pictures and embarrassingly show their future prom dates. I want my children to never question my morals. I want to be the best possible mother. I want those hard wood floors, I guess you could say I want the white picket fence? Ok, fine, throw that in there!

Calling from the next hotel, can you put me on The List?

2009-08-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

WHO we are now we will always be Mix V.1

RISE UP! RISE UP! - Cursive
Tell me what to swallow 0 Crystal Castles
Wild is the Wind - David Bowie
Come on Christmas - MGMT
The Source - Built to Spill
I Better Be Quiet - Elliott Smith
Hallmark - Broken Social Scene
For Emma - Bon Iver
17 - Kings of Leon
Asleep - Okay
The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New
Moses of the South - Colour Revolt
This Isn't You - New Found Glory
True to Form - Knapsack
You're full of Shit (Check Out my Sweet Riffs) - Giant Drag
Dirty Hands - Black Lips
The List (DEMO) - Metric
Take Me To The Riot - Stars

--

Made a little mix for my trip to Baltimore tomorrow. It's compiled of some oldies but goodies, and some new tunes. I would have taken the time to upload this onto imee but half the songs aren't on there and all my itunes got deleted, if you're really dying for a copy of this I can work something out. In other news I can't wait to get away for a new days, surround myself with my favorite girlz and blow all my money. I'm also re-reading Paint it Black (Janet Fitch duh) for the third time, just because. I'm glad July is over, August seems to be an even struggle of good/bad. Only two more weeks until I'm reunited with my ~love~ I'm already anticipating fall.

Marvin Gaye kinda summer..

2009-07-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

This hot weather makes me so happy that I have a job that's located inside with central air. Unfortunately the central air in my house is BROKEN!!!!!!!! MEANING WE'RE STRAIGHT UP SUFFERING! The humidity lately has been off the chain, so I'm just rocking curly hair and that supposed "dewy" look meaning I'm just sweaty and miserable and parading around in my boyfriends boxer shorts.

Santa Cruz lemonade, keepin' it real

All I do when I get home from work is plant my bum in front of the oscillating fan, pour myself some lemonade and listen to Marvin Gaye preferably "Got to give it up" it makes me wanna shake it in this heat like I never thought anybody could. I need to find a friend with a pool, or perhaps brave the disgusting rivers around here and just take a 50/50 chance of inhaling fecal matter, I mean whatevz. Or maybe I could find a friend with central air to live off of.

Until then... L8rRrR

Do not let this universe regret you.

2009-07-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

"And although we've forgotten the language we spoke in those years -- it is as lost as the bell-bottom jeans, home-tie-dyed shirts, Nebru jackets and signs that said KILLING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR CHASTITY -- sometimes a word or two comes back. Information, you know. Information. And sometimes, in my dreams and memories (the older I get the more they seem to be the same), I smell the place where I spoke that language with such easy authority: a whiff of earth, a scent of oranges, and the fading smell of flowers."

July 23rd is cursed, for sure.

2009-07-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

I really wish there was an escape button on life.

Fuck you!

2009-07-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks for suspending my last account, which I got in early December before the huge "Twitter-Fad!" Apparently my account was suspended due to "suspicious activity" aka I made a post about "I wish all the hot n horny twitter porn bots would stop adding me!" .. Twitter you are full of idiots and the minute I made my new account guess who was the first to add me? Yupp, a twitter porn bot. Brb jerking off to live dicks on webcams.

ugh

NEW ACCOUNT
NEW ACCOUNT
NEW ACCOUNT
NEW ACCOUNT
NEW ACCOUNT
NEW ACCOUNT

ADD ME!

We can drive thru the city no doubt, but don't say my car's topless, Say the titties is out

2009-07-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

A very wise man once said to me "I really think gay guys probably have the best relationships. They actually understand dudes and probably like to bang and hang and that's it."

On that note I'd like to discuss the topic of heterosexual people, dating each other; It's sort of a bad idea. Now before you all freak out I'd like to emphasize the fact that I myself am in a heterosexual relationship very happily might I add! But unfortunately for me, it took many years of trial and error to actually learn how to not drive boys insane and make them hate me. The one thing I wish someone would have told me when I first grew a big butt at age 14 and started dating was this, BOYS ARE DIFFERENT THAN GIRLS!

Why didn't someone warn me!?! Why didn't someone scream out from the top of their window "Erica all of these meaningless mistakes and fights you've gotten yourself into over different boys/guys/men whatever you want to call them, 99% of all those misunderstandings could have been prevented if you only knew BOYS ARE DIFFERENT THAN GIRLS!"

Boys want to go hang out with friends, they want to go off and do cool guy shit. This term is referred to as "bro'ing down." Usually bro'ing down consist of doing whatever it is that particular type of guy + his friends enjoy doing such as; watching youtube videos, eating pizza, skateboarding, or just going to the mall/movies whatever. If you don't get a text message from him because he's too busy bro'ing it, do not freak out. Don't tell him you feel neglected. Don't text him incessantly. Don't jump to conclusions and ASSUME "suddenly" hates you. Don't cry to your girlfriends that he's "ignoring you," because he really isn't. Sure if you don't hear from him for an entire week and see that he's still updating his facebook status like a motherfucker' chances are yeah, sure, he is ignoring you. But in most cases he's just busy doing what guys do best, having fun with his friends.

That's another thing.. girls seriously cannot have fun. Is there anything girls do that doesn't always end in talking about boys? Is there ever a night where you're out with your ladies, going to ~da club~ or what have you, and by the time you're all winding down clicking through your phones, isn't there always that one friend who's crying about her man?

Do you think for a SECOND that men EVER do these sort of things? "Oh yeah I'm so bummed out guys. My girl never text messaged/bbm'd/twitter @'d/myspace messaged/ facebook commented me back!" Hellll no! And you know why? Because men are men. Men like women (unless they are homosexual in which case this isn't related to you, play on playa,) but men also like hanging out with their guy friends, getting a little break from us women.

Now wouldn't it be great if girls had the same concept? That for once when they didn't hear from their guy for more than an hour they didn't let out an annoying sigh and say "Ugggggggghhhhh *inserthisnamehere* is ignoring me!" And don't mistake this blog for me riding around on my high horse because embarrassingly enough we've all been there, done that, including me. But you live and you learn. You learn that freaking out over nothing, telling him you feel "ignored" all of these are signs of insecurity.. clingyness aka all red flags. This will only make a guy take a step backward and go "damn... she's crazy." And yes ladies, let's admit it already we are crazy.

But we are also smarter than men in every other aspects, come on, we can carry little humans inside our uterus for 9months, WE ARE machines! So why let the guys have all the fun, literally? So the next time you feel like overreacting take a deep breath shorty. Put your phone back into your purse, check your weave and just have a little F U N. Relax. Don't let technology make you look too available, don't let technology make YOU feel vulnerable, try a little mystery for once. Be your own person, have your own friends, and most importantly have your own fun.

If this entry really hasn't sunk into your thick head, you should just read this skank's third memoir. She's actually onto something.

Virgin hair beware!

2009-07-16T06:48:00.001-07:00

BEFORE:

AFTER:

I turned my mousy brown into a dark auburn, I really love it. When the sunlight hits you can see the red/violet but due to my lighting I just look mysteriously gothic.

~Natural sunlight pic~

What do you think?

--

Also this is the cutest video I think I've ever seen! Shitzu puppies, baby chicks dancing and little bunnies going to work and falling asleep. I probably watched this video a total of 10 times, enjoy.

Brown Sugar, Brooklyn, it's bout to jump off

2009-07-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

Ciara is so fly, she really makes me wish I'd been born a black girl.

Photo Credit

I don't have anything to blog about, minus Ciara being hot and some art that I currently like. My moms been gone on vacation so I'm holding down the fort with the dogs and keeping up with the laundry/cooking and cleaning. My one dog is dying and it's bumming my mom and I out more and more. We keep giving her all the medicine the vet's prescribed but she's dying of congestive heart failure. There's nothing we can really do but try to make her last days here on earth as comfortable as we can. Poor baby.

On a less dismal note I started going for morning jogs in the woods behind my house. This will honestly be the first physical activity I've endured since the 4th grade when I played soccer for M.O.T. So far I'm doing good staying motivated. There are a few trails to choose from so I throw on my Nike Shox, grab my water bottle, headphones and I "JUST DO IT!"

The only downside to this new found rural exercise routine is; it's hot, it's dirty (I find all sorts of foliage in my hair) I sometimes trip on tree roots, and last but not least, the bugs! I never realized how blatantly disrespectful bugs can be. I straight up had two of them fly directly into my right eyeball and I ran right through a spiders web (which I felt semi-bad about.) I even found a deer tick smaller than one of my freckles on my arm while I was in the shower, and stumbled upon a rotting dead animals carcass (not in the shower, I'm still talking about the woods.) Clearly living in the shit-kickers universe never prepared me for all these challenges!

Aside from being one with nature I also have a few tricks up my sleeve to make the rest of this summer at enjoyable as possible. I want to get back into taking pictures with my 35mm and have looked into finding a dark room to develop film in. There's nothing like opening the film cassette, loading the film on the reel, mixing all the processing chemicals and seeing your picture come to life. I know digital photography is convenient but I really enjoyed the old fashioned way. I'm sure this is just another itching for some new hobby, but I'll keep the blogger world updated, I always (unfortunately) do.

Collect the love that i've been given, build a nest for us to sleep in here.

2009-07-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Friday nights spent alone

2009-07-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a homebody with no homies who's eating carrots on the couch, and watching True Life re-runs...

TGIF Signed "The Worlds most boring girl."

Urban favelas,

2009-07-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

I want to visit Brazil! Aka República Federativa do Brasil

beija-fior

kassapian

beija-fior

All I need is an extra $765 for a round trip ticket to Rio de Janeiro and someone who speaks fluent Portuguese to be my tour guide. I'll add this onto "the list" of places I want to travel before I die.

1. True Religion ridiculous booty shorts (duh)
2. Lemon Heads because they're my favorite candy
3. A pineapple fruity drink
4. Baby oil so I can fit in with the locals
5. Cutout Gladiator Sandal so my long legs can look even longer
6. Ray-Ban sunglasses to avoid wrinkles
7. GPG tan bag so I can almost (haha) look like a local

I better start working on my tan..

It's long division, crack and divide.

2009-07-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Today I..

Drank coffee while I took my bath
Said goodbyes to my bf (no tears!)
Fell in love with an old album on the train
Played Donkey Kong on my bf's game boy
Had a tummy ache for 2hours
Saw a man take off his sneaker and take a big ol'sniff
Bought blueberries for my Nana
Came home
Kissed my dogs so much, they're getting so fat!
Put on a Lil'Kim record while I unpacked all my shit
Ate the rest of my chocolate
Caught up with all the biz on the internet, after about an hour I'm all caught up and bored as usual. Back to work tomorrow and the real world, maybe this week I'll convince my mom to get the lights fixed on her mini-van. She's been riding the "war wagon" (credit Ricky Jefferson) with the busted bumper and the lights that do not work around town for the past month now. My mother literally has to be home before dark because her headlights (mysteriously,) won't work...it really has nothing to do with the fact that the check engine light has been on for almost a year... Mommy needs to get her priorities straight and hopefully I can convince her to stop living in the dark age (har har!) In other news here are some majorly dorky things I've been into recently :

Heaven on earth, also Vegan for your nerds who practice that sort of thing

Found a book on "Herbal Medicine" in the garage sale that is my boyfriend's living room and oddly enough I'm really into it. I looked into 13 or so different detoxification potions (umm.. that means you mix natural herbs together and make teas,) as well as natural facial scrubs, and natural medicine. They talk about how various plant roots can cure all sorts of things from a toothache to even a broken bone! But don't get too excited bloggers, this book isn't exactly the holy grail.

It was written in 96' and has some tweaking to do. I also have a strange suspicion that whomever wrote this book has a fascination with shoving things up the anus. For example : they suggest that if you have an earache (AN EARACHE AS IN YOUR EAR!) you should cut up an union, wrap it in some gauls and shove it up your booty hole (ATTN WE ARE STILL DEALING WITH AN EARACHE.) I will not be doing that any time soon, sorry2say but I like the idea of using natural teas to cure crampies as well as rubbing lemons with salt on my face to cleanse my pores.

You learn something new everyday. Also someone spray painted "F U" accompanied with a big veiny dick on our neighbors mailbox. My mom fears we might be targeted next, updates soon.

Oh my god

2009-07-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

Gertrude Hawk Milk Chocolate Almond Tree bark

Words really cannot express my love for this company, and the fact that Matt (the bf) took me to an outlet store that sells ridiculously half priced GH chocolate.

I've spent the past week in North Eastern Pennsylvania, with Matt and his family surrounded by mountains, green grass, and waterfalls. The air is clean and the grass is green, little chipmunks even live outside the kitchen window. Despite the rainy days my stay here has been close to perfect, but unfortunately that's all coming to an end. I go back to Delaware tomorrow where my days are filled with work, work and more work.

I have to sort out all my lose ends (eventually,) but for the time being I'm soaking up my last few hours spent relaxing her. I've always been great at over thinking everything and literally exhausting myself with all the tasks waiting for me in Delaware. I usually sit on the bus ride home writing out lists trying to organize myself but alas my life will always be like my purse; full of gum wrappers and 6 different chap sticks.. forever unorganized and looking like a bomb went off, Whatevz.

I've also been unleashing my inner Latina, letting my hair curl all natural. All I need are some big hoops and a can of fanta.

(Sorry for the lack of makeup and chapped lips.)

and the only revolution I ever got close to was sexual

2009-06-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

making love and love songs go together so well-
they're fortunate to share the same soul,
to have and to hold, from this day forward
as long as they both shall live - Soul

Baby harp seal band aids! Still in the running for "Little Miss absolutely anything but graceful." One paper cut, two stubbed toes and a clumsy bruise on my hip (all within the past 12hours,) are going to seal the deal.

Best.

2009-06-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

You're not as awesome as you think..

2009-06-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Let's all face the facts. You're never as cool as you seriously think you are. In the words of Bobby Digital "you ain't shit your momma ain't shit your daddy ain't shit." Spoken like a true poet. It's the human condition to always think you're the bomb, that your gods gift to men (or women, whatever) but in actuality you need to eat a big piece of humble pie. Acting like a decent human, having manners and class will never go out of style.

So take it from me, if you think you're the shit well, trust me you are NOT. You're probably just loud and obnoxious and endlessly embarrassing. You're not cool, you're not "in with the in crowd" you're not as awesome as you think.

And the saga continues..

2009-06-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

My taste in men is non-negotiable and often looked down upon. But I have actually adapted a few new men to the list (Gerard Butler, Jon Hamm,) that may be considered sexy and fine to other 20 year old girls. The standard "Fuck me Please" consists of my main men : Edward Norton, Mike Rowe and Robert Downey, and maybe a few randoms in between. No I do not want Zac Efron or that baby faced freak from Twilight. I want old men with hairy chests and hearty smiles, who can throw it down like champs and cook me spaghetti when we're through.

Robert Downey Jr.

Jon Hamm

Edward Norton

Gerard Butler

Mike Rowe

Ed Helms

All of the above DO HOLLA.

Haters want me clapped and chromed it ain't easy

2009-06-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

A tribute to my wandering soul subscribers. I would like to thank each and every one of you from the very bottom of my little-blogging soul. I realized I never formerly introduced myself to the blogger world and despite how cheesy this feels "describing myself" I figured what the hell? You only get to be self absorbed and 20 once in your life so why not milk it for all it's worth. Also if you could drop me a comment here and there I would appreciate it. Never wanna feel like you're bloggin' in vain!

xoxo Erica

A formal introduction

Name/age/sex/location
Erica/20/yes plz/Delawareyou?

Where were you born?
Atlanta,GA where the players play n we ride on them thangz like everyday

Where do you live now?
Delaware, the land of the TAX FREE. The first state.

Height/hair color/eye color/ any tattoos or piercings?
I'm 5'9-5'10, so you can imagine I'm always in flats and kinda slouchy, sorry posture. Hair color is a boring mousy brown (as shown in pictures,) that I've never dyed, unless you count a brief stint with highlights when I was 16. Eyes are dark brown almost black and I have no tattoos or piercings, just my ears.

What's your ethnicity?
Half Euro Spanish from my dads side (explanation of the completely Spanish last name and the big hips/big ol'eyeballs and fair skin combo,) and Irish, English and Welsh on my moms side (no explanations on these parts.)

Hobbies/ interests?
I like collecting old things that have dust on them as well as everything girly. I like pretty new underthings and soft skin, promises of longer eyelashes and hanging out with my dogs (no the actual animals.) I'm boring and just hang out with a few friends sippin' on some limeade in the Sonic drive thru. I'm very interested in my man, indie rockin, ice cream and bottled water.

What are you dreams and aspirations?
This is extra corny BUTTT I want to have some of my writing published as well as start my own skincare line. Maybe someday get a pedicure and rock some Japanese 3d nails. A girls gotta dream, right?

Every told you look like a celebrity?
I've gotten everything from my boyfriend's dad telling me I look like Marilyn Monroe to everyone and their mom saying "Hey you look like Kat Dennings in Nick and Norahs infinite play list!" On the real real I think I just look like my mom, and my dad a little.

What were you like at 15?
Oh man, what a tender fucking age. Well circa 12-14 I was a thugged out ghetto girl who embraced her Spanish side by wearing air ones and gelled bangs, big hoops were in attendance as well. So by 15 I had cleaned up my act and washed some of the gel out of my hair. I actually started going to shows around that time and wore just normal jeans and band t shirts, oh wait I also remember wearing a studded belt (sorry mom.) I was letting my eyebrows grow in since I had over plucked them during my chola days. So basically I was really single at age 15.

What kind of music do you like?
This question always sucks. If you answer with one specific genre you look like a tool but if you say "a little bit of everything" you come off as scatterbrained. So I'm going to just say this; my two favorite records are ODB's Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version and St. Vincent Actors, I hope that clears everything up.

What's one thing you love about yourself? What's one thing you dislike?
Physically I like that I have big eyes. I always end up looking interested in something even if I'm not. I dislike having a big butt 90% of the time but the other 10% I'm pretty into it.

Any last words?
This wasn't as good as it could have been, apologies.

Count to five and let the fear take over.

2009-06-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today I rolled my moms car into a garden ditch in front of our work. I was only driving 3mph but, still. I literally sat there going "holy shit holy shit, oh my god please please no no no" clutching the steering wheel. The all familiar fear crept over me punching into my lungs and making my knuckles lock tightly around the steering wheel. I don't remember specific details aside from; I threw the car into reverse, cut the wheel and drove right up onto the lawn and cut onto the shoulder of the road. I pulled into the Walgreens across the street and sat there silently. I didn't hear anything wrong with the car and when I got out to do an inspection I saw nothing more than little leaf poking out from underneath. The tail pipe is fine and when I was driving home everything seemed great, but of course my nerves are still frazzled four hours later. I keep worrying and worrying and criticizing myself for making such a stupid silly mistake. Everyone keeps reassuring me that "cars are strong! if everything looks ok then don't worry about it!" but if anything turns out to be wrong with her car I'll feel awful.

Today was not exactly a "win" for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

shame on you when you step through to, the Ol' Dirty Bastard, Brooklyn Zoo.

2009-06-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend surprised me with these gemz :

CLEAR sunglasses 100% UV protected, of course. I look like a geeky Buddy Holly, whatever, I'm into it.

Had the best weekend, working the next eight days straight then driving Matt's car back to Scranton Friday night and attending all the "Hoodrack" family functions (cousin's graduation party, uncle's welcome home party and the 4th of July.) I'm going to try and squeeze in as much ~alone~ time as I possibly can before he leaves for tour. Super bummin' on that front, but I now have a new record player with more than enough rap records to keep my spirits high.

Oh, I also start school in September to become a licensed Esthetician. I'm excited to pick and prod at other people's skin.

We'll do what Mary and Joseph did, without the kid.

2009-06-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

New $21 haircut.