You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence.

Sometimes I get sad when I realize that nobody really knows me. I give people bits and pieces. I don't think I'll ever change. I hate my ego and how stubborn I am, but I am what I am bold, entirely too honest. I used to be sweet.. I think. In theory.



I had a ping of sadness when I thought about an old friend. I wanted to contact her and just put my ego (there's that word again,) aside and let go of all the bitter resentment, but it's been such a long time, and I couldn't think of anything to say so to her. I just walked away and didn't say anything at all I could have wished her luck or said anything but instead I said nothing and I don't feel any better at all. I'm always the one to hold out, I'll never give in.



My dogs can sense when I'm going away. All three, gray apricot and black more needy than usual, trying to readjust themselves into my sweater-dress lap as they paw at each other for my undivided attention. Tomorrow I'll take a train and a bus to the place where it's always snowing and nobody calls me by my name. I'll turn 20 and eat turkey. I bought myself some new luggage and little toiletries. I'm bringing a soft back book and a pen for underlining passages, and once I get too carsick to read I'll listen to this :


Meow Mix Volume 1.

1. In A Nutshell - Orange juice
2. Sleep tonight - Stars
3. English Music - Destroyer
4. Tomorrow tomorrow - Elliott Smith
5. Plastic toy dream - All Girl Summer Fun Band
6. Nevers - Remix - The Fiery Furnaces
7. Mondays are always like Tuesdays - Acid House Kings
8. The Disco Song - Au Revoir Simone
9. Sweepstakes Prize - Mirah
10. Failure - King of Convenience
11. Don't leave the light on baby - Belle & Sebastian
12. Raised by Wolves - Voxtrot
13. 23 - Blonde Redhead
14. It's Okay - Land of Talk
15. Pet Grief - The Radio Dept.
16. Graduation Day - Math and Physics club
17. Couldn't feel Safer - The Field Mice
18. The Other's Way - The Cat's Miaow
19. Pull the Curtains - Grandaddy
20. Son of a Gun - The Vaselines


you remind me of a firework, boy
you touch the ceiling, you touch the floor
you sparkle and burn but you take your time
and i bet i could carry you across state lines

---

I hate driving. I like cable knit sweaters. I like coffee. I hate cold hands.

For the price of a cup of tea..

I've had a headache on the left side of my brain for a month now. Sometimes the headache goes away, most of the time it does not. When I lay down the headache still persists. When I sit up the headache is even more bold. I dull the pain with ibuprofen and a cup of tea. I tell people and I don't think they believe me.

Loving : Vanilla lattes, sitting in bookstores, organizing my insane magazine and book collections, re-watching all the seasons of the Sopranos, and 6S.

Homeless man with gingivitis has a sweet tooth (still.)

From the new album





The other night my friend and I had a homeless man approach us. He didn't beg, he didn't ask for money,he did not ask us to sit on his face, he just started telling us jokes. We laughed at his charming little self and three jokes later we each gave him $1 so he could buy himself a burger from McDonald's. My friend handed him her bag of Hershey kisses. He kindly declined saying "I really shouldn't I have gingivitis," but he smiled and reconsidered and walked away popping a kiss into his disease ridden mouth. You can't stop the sweet tooth.

I have this horrible habit of starring at homeless people and wondering "What the fuck happened?" My inner Diane Arbus comes out and I wish I could just walk right up to them and take their pictures at the risk of being verbally or sexually assaulted I usually restrain myself. An inner courage to document things that are shunned by society, I always looked up to Arbus. When I was developing film in the dark room at Middletown High school I always kept my focus thinking "I wonder if this is something Diane Arbus would have taken." In some freaky ways she was my mentor.

On photography field trips when the other kids were taking pictures of flowers, I was kneeling down trying to focus my lens towards an overturned garbage can. Arbus inspired a very bitter, angsty, and bored 15year old to get off her ass and stop being so pissed off all the time, and start taking pictures. I came across a book of all my old negatives from high school and liked what I saw. I owe it all to my photography teacher Mr.Miller and the inspiration from Arbus, it's too bad she had to off ruin everything and of herself.

Inspiration photos by the late Diane Arbus
RIP tell ODB I still miss him

---

Didn't I tell you there was no such thing as a bad bad day?

Held it down a loving key
longer than a lie
Held it down a loving key
softer than a child.

10 things

1. The new Land of talk album "Some are Lakes" leaked.. about fucking time!
2. It was 75 degrees today, Where is November?
3. My Nana surprised me with a very warm heavy wool coat with a matching Burberry scarf it's lovely but this weather isn't very encouraging but apparently the temperature is about to drop so lets keep our fingers crossed.
4. All 3 of my dogs sleep in my bed now so that's 12 little paws and a pair of clumsy feet poking out from the edge of my bed.
5. I had my first panic attack while walking down the city street laughing with my friend. It terrified me to be so aware of my own heartbeat.
6. Nothing is tasting right to me anymore, even my favorite candy tastes bitter.
7. I can't shake off this sore throat/stuffy nose combination. All the cups of tea and cough drops aren't doing anything I'm afraid I need to go to a doctor.
8. I've been writing 15 words a day in my little cloth bound journal with the theory that I'll need something to read about when I'm old, gray haired and shitting myself in a nursing home.
9. Carbs make me so sleepy.
10. I'm a little afraid and I feel very small. I feel weird not having my mom here to take care of. I keep checking on my dogs every 3 seconds in hopes that they'll need their water bowl filled or to bet let outside.

Motherly instinct the beat goes on. My grandmother says I should switch majors and do something with the Nursing/Medical field because I'm so good at taking care of people. Which makes me think of those cheesy daytime television commercials about "Job Corp" and "UTI UNIVERSITY" where the girl says "I never knew anything... but that I just wanted to help sick people." I used to laugh, but now girlfren I feel you on that poorly worded sentence. After this semester I will deliberate.

OPTIONS

- stick with D&A counseling
- social work
- nursing
- med tech
- stick with D&A counseling
- strick with D&A counseling

I hate never being sure about anything.

We've seen how sick wind blows,
But i've got you for the night.
And i'll love you like I love you then I'll die.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But i've got you for the night.
And i'll love you like I love you then I'll die.

I believe he is the number one one to let you wonder.

Holding down the home fort, a little lonely but I've got A&E to keep me company. I also have taken up a new found interest in doing heaping loads of laundry and bought one of those little wands where you put the dish washing liquid in the top add some water and screw on the cap, so every time you wash a dish this little wand dispenses just the right amount of sudz. It makes my already love of washing dishes increase by at least 80%. So basically during a crisis my inner-hermit takes over and I turn into a domesticated diva.

"Emily Haines wears a fucking skirt!"

Emily Haines, what isn't there to talk about? Known for being the girl who wears skirts on stage and once played blindfolded in San Fransisco. Most of the time she's wearing sparkly tights on stage and a shirt with no bra. My first time seeing Haines perform was with her band Metric at the cramped church in Philly. She was wearing a short white lace dress and kept screaming to the crowd "If I jump will you guys catch me.." over and over again. The fans screamed back "Yes we will!" and finally she jumped into the crowd exposing her entire ass. Needless to say she is the love of my life.

Haines Started out singing sultry backup vocals for Broken Social Scene, moved onto fronting for the dead disco Metric, and in 2006 released her first official solo album Knives don't have your back which was a far cry from our beloved Metric but had a sound of sophistication with her eerily good piano skills and that same damn beautiful voice haunting us in the background. Haine's is as charismatic as her music is soft, with a voice like honey. I once had a friend who after hearing her song "Live it out" described her voice as "so sexy it hurts." She's stated numerous times that she would like to be remembered as a sound and has an unhealthy obsession with bottled water and toiletries (hmm sounds familiar.) Usually writing about music in my blog isn't really my ~thing~ but I found this interview with her that I really enjoyed, it's a little long but if you're a fan it's worth reading.

Red Wine and a Frozen Hand: An Interview with Emily Haines

Oh and you know check out the plethora of Emily Haines tribute youtube videos I posted above! Xx