Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My mission is clear

I haven't been able to write for a few weeks. Whenever I get sad my fingers freeze up. I get frontal headaches that make my heart race. My anxiety starts to trickle out in unconventional ways, at work when the phone's keep ringing, when the trash starts to pile up in my bedroom. I can't sleep, music has no sound, and nobody can hear me when I say "something's wrong." I've been saying this for a good year now, this isn't how I wanted it to be. I feel like instead of progressing, I'm just slowly deconstructing. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl who just goes to a party, has a couple of drinks and feels better. But I'm not that girl. I'm not even a girl anymore, I'm a motherfucking WOMAN which freaks me out even more! I'm trying to make plans (in between working constantly and drinking tons of DARK chocolate hot coco,) and with each setback I just keep getting more pissed off. I'm throwing my hands up to the fates and hoping this will work out, that I'll figure all of this shit out. I need to stop worrying about hurting other people, they're the ones who aren't giving me what I want.

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