Friday, February 26, 2010

Heartbroken , I've been for you.

It's funny how listening to old songs can always bring up that emotion. I'll hear Regina Spektor and think about a friend when I was 18 who had long hair and smoked cigarettes. She had a cool tiny car with leather seats. We were the "outlaws" because neither of us drank and we'd listen to indie music and sit at diners and draw on the back of place mats with oil pastels. We'd drive to this one church and sit in the parking lot painting (seriously) with her car doors open blasting WHY? and we'd did this for an entire summer. That was the summer I felt like I belonged somewhere, that was the summer before we moved and I felt completely content.

Her and I were together every single weekend and we'd fall asleep talking in her bed and wake up to the smell of her mom cooking us pancakes. I still remember the day I felt like she was pulling away from me, it was right around the time I met my first boyfriend and she got really distant. I tried to come up with reasons why she didn't want to be my friend anymore wondering "What did I do?" and after ignoring me for weeks she finally came up with a few poorly worded excuses, which behind all the passive aggressiveness evened out to "I'm just over our friendship."

We never talked again, three years later we still have mutual friends but it's pretty obvious that what we had was something better left in a memory. I'm not jaded from the whole experience because obviously handfuls upon handfuls of friends have done pretty much the same thing as she did, but in theory she was the first. She was the first real taste of how a friendship ends and before her I'd never been friend-dumped.

[hits the nail on the head...]

I'm happy I've grown up and I'm moving out of Delaware. I'll miss a few people and I have no enemies, but there's a lot of heartbreak and family ties that have me eager to get out of this. I feel like certain events that have taken place with my family in the past few years have stunted my growth emotionally.

A few years ago I asked a friend of mine who had a similar family situation as me, why she chose to attend a College three hours away from home. Her response was "I knew that if I stayed at home I'd do nothing but try and take care of my family. I'd be going to community college and waiting tables doing the same dumb shit I did my entire life, I'd slowly start to die." That always stuck with me for some reason and I've finally realized that I'm that girl.

You forget how to take care of yourself because you just want to make it easier on your family. Nobody wants to see people they love hurt, and nobody wants to seem like a martyr so they keep it all inside. Because of this I've turned into a miserable shell of a little girl who is just waiting for people to fuck me over. I never wanted to be that person, so when it's time I guess you know it, I know it.


Alexandra said...

this was very well written and I could relate to all of it. i moved out for similar reasons and went to college for even more similar reasons. i hope you're looking forward to your trip, I am sure it will be worth your time.

Anonymous said...

I think we're the same person living the same life. I can't wait to get out and move on like you. I hate feeling stuck.

Nikki Ashton said...

i'm really digging your tumblr. It doesn't even sound like you though...its interesting the difference.