Thursday, February 18, 2010

you have no right to what you feel inside

all Polaroids were taken from here

I go back and forth between wanting to keep this blog starting a new blog (fresh start) or just taking a break from the blogging world all together. I have a good amount of subscribers (xox) and I realize that at times my entries are about as taxing as blowing bubbles, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what I want to keep this thing around for.

I sort of started this as a big girl version of my livejournal (I know .. I know..) I'm still pretty active in the lj world it's my guilty pleasure. It's a million communities all dedicated to fashion and makeup, saving money and healthy eating. I have my ~*lj friends~* who I get insight into their most intimate and private moments. Some of my "lj friends" I've been following around, journal to journal since I was 14! Now that's some serious dedication. I figured I'd make a blog just as a place for my creative writing different interviews/album reviews/a place to express new songs I'm loving/incessant babbling/etc etc. But unfortunately I'm in one of the biggest transitional phases of my life at the moment, and my head is all over the place.

I'm having a hard time finding my niche with this thing.

Every morning I wake up thinking about the same person. Same arms and feelings blah blah blah all these things I can't seem to get out of my head, they run through my eyes and drip down the back of my throat. I'm doing my best to stay realistic and not get so jaded about the situation, but to be perfeclty honest everything kind of hurts. And when I'm sad it's hard for me to write. I'm the type who keeps everything locked between my chest, I don't know how to express myself (imagine that) so I guess the writer in me isn't all it's chalked up to be. I try to articulate and make sense of my feelings but I just feel numb.

I'm in this constant haze where I have to keep asking myself "when will I stop feeling so fucking boring?" I can't believe half the things I'll be doing in the next few months. It scares the shit out of me, but that's good. I can feel change digging it's anxious claws into my stomach, turning my intestines and making weird noises whenever I think too long about my 13hour flight. I discuss the possibilities of earthquakes with my mom and we both laugh and say "well shit, I hope that doesn't happen." I sleep with my dog ever single night because I know our days are numbered and it breaks my heart.

For the first time in my life I'll be living in a house (an apartment actually) with no animals. No dogs. We have three dogs now (I even work with dogs) It's going to be insane not having a little booger following me around ready to cuddle whenever I'm sad. But I guess it's just one more thing that's going to be different, amongst the huge pile. C'est la vie.

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