Friday, August 7, 2009

Bad Apples 2009

DO you ever find yourself thinking back on an old friendship, one that's long since fallen apart and going "Hmm, man, I miss SO&SO what the hell happened?" Unfortunately due to the sensitive mind that I inherited from my mother I usually fall into this pattern about once every couple of months. I sit back and think of all the friendships that I wasn't able to save, or that I just let drown because I was sick of caring. All the significant "fall apart friendships" stick out in my mind like the first time you went to the dentist, first time you got your heart broken, first time you got b0ned, first time you broke a limb. They impact you in a way that you can never imagine, they teach you the kind of friend you never want to be.

Some people might read this and disagree, maybe you know me personally, chances are you really don't. The odds of you and I having a friendship that I just "gave up on" are slim to impossible. But maybe you think you know me. But here, let me help break it down : I've been through a lot, but I'm never going to air my dirty laundry. There is a certain level of respect one holds for themselves where despite the fact that they are a fighter/survivor whatever you'd like to call it, the hardest part will always be trying to fight that urge to blurt out your life story to every person you meet. You want to explain yourself, tell them your side of the story. Explain how bad it hurt, how you think about it all the time.

But I'll never be that kind of girl. I'll keep all the little mysteries of Erica Moreno bottled up inside like some ancient mystery. I hope you're starting to draw conclusions, because you could never come close. To all the friends I trusted, loved, did nice things for, wholeheartedly thought would have my back when shit got rough. I want to say thanks for fucking it up. For ruling out a nice person just because you didn't have it in you anymore.

Still, no regrets. It's a brand new day, I'm only 20years old. Shit changes, people change, faces - names - mouths that those mouths keep glued to their mouths, those all will change. It's called progression. For example, if you were to ask me how I liked my coffee last summer I would have told you STRONG ROAST, WHOLE MILK, AND LIKE, THREE SPOONFULS OF RAW-ASS SUGAR! But now I'm older, wise, and realized I was drinking a lot of unnecessary calories. So now my twist is still a strong roast but with skim milk and splenda. It's not that great but, progression, right?

I'm not quite sure where I was going with this entry, it's a bit scatterbrained and for that I apologize. I guess I just wanted to point out the fact that people change and friendships change, but the reason why those friendships ended, that reason changes too. I don't regret anybody I ever loved and trusted, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret those relationships falling apart, because if that had never happened I wouldn't be where I am today. Today I'm stronger than I ever imagined, there's an inner light inside me that somehow keeps shining despite all the dark clouds and moody attitudes thrown in as distractions. The hits just keep on coming, but now I feel differently. I'll stand in the middle of the street with a bulls eye on my back. Hit me.

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