2008

Big headphones help you to really ~*~get into~*~ the music


I will always love my boys.


Girls will always be insecure miserable fucks.

It's illegal to drive around with the wrong address on your license.. apparently.. and if you happen to be speeding and pulled over and show an officer your license but say "That's the wrong address I moved," the officer will most likely not reward you for your honestly but instead give you a $90 ticket.

Don't EVER confuse missing someone so bad that it hurts with the coping mechanism "maybe I'd be better off alone," ever. EVER.

Never give money to homeless people, unless they have a homeless dog or cat.

Always talk to animals. Standard greetings for a dog are "HIII" standard greetings for a cat are "MEOW"

My boyfriend will never like the mixes I make for him, no matter how hard I try. I have come to accept this bitter fact in the sense that the one mix he tried to make me he forgot to actually BURN it and gave me a blank c.d that I filled with Daft Punk. But we do agree on Slick Rick, so there is hope.

Curly hair will always make me feel sexy and ~exotic~ but straight hair is a lot easier and it's fun to wear cute knitted hats in the winter.

There's nothing better than watching someone you love unwrap a gift you know they're going to really love.

"MAURY I CAN'T BE THAT BABIES DADDY, MAURY I DON'T MAKE SICK BABIES-" is never a valid answer for a man who is suspected of being a babies father. CLEARLY everything you need to learn about men you can learn from daytime episodes of Maury.

There's nothing wrong with switching your major at 20.

I'm a writer, not a fighter.

If I don't ask for your opinion don't bother giving it to me. Ever.

Becca Lewis will always give hands-down the best advice. Here are some of my personal "Becca Quotes" from her journal that I stole :

The voice in your head that routinely yells things like "ABORT" and "Bitch, you gon' regret this" is usually right, but you never listen to it anyway.

Not many people have your best interest at heart, come to think of it. Good thing you always do.

Love is the funnest emotion to expend.

You can't make people do anything they don't want to do unless you are face to face and they are easily manipulated and/or guilted into things.

Blackberrys are the best phone's in the entire world.

Twitter is addictive and very annoying/ creepy when random humans "follow" me.

My feet will always be cold.

Levis look good on any body shape.

I should be proud that I'm 5'9, in 2009 I'm going to stand up straighter.

When strangers tell me "You remind me of Kat Dennings," or "That girl from the Princess Diaries movie with the big frizzy hair," I will try my hardest to take these as compliments.. I guess.

Don't ever let anybody make you feel uncomfortable. I learned from my friend Nikki that if a homeless person says he wants you to "sit on his face," it is 100% appropriate to reply "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU'RE INAPPROPRIATE."

Burberry will always be the best smelling perfume.

Girls should never wear the following : colored contacts, a mouth that constantly name drops, extensions, or ugg boots/ especially ugg boots with sweatpants tucked into them. Please for the love of god.

Knives don't have your back.

Emily Haines will always be the most beautiful human.

Boots boots boots > sneakers



2009 I can't wait to make it.

she said you are as pale as a sheet, you look awful my sweet lay down and wait for the sun

I had a dream I was banished to a plantation where all we ate were fried eggs and avocado pits. I made paper cranes and fed water to the dogs. I traced cloud shapes in red dust. Rocks poked into my back while I sucked on the tips of my fingers to calm myself to sleep. I woke up with my lower back sore and a new bruise on my inner right arm that resembles a hand print.

If looks could kill

The queen of dirty looks. We have a tradition where we sing "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus" to the bings birthday cake my Nana buys and my not-so little 18yr old brother blows out the candles. My Poppy always drinks too much red wine and I always end up wearing his glasses, Nana pinches my cheeks and tells me I'll always be "her cats meow." The holidays are a little bittersweet but I'm thankful for my family (although dysfunctional we still function,) my best friend of 14yrs, my very sweet and thoughtful boyfriend, and dogs that will always opt to be held like babies.

heart over logic

A secret freckle open arms, furry as a bear with my cold dry hands massaging your temples. Once you were snoring so loudly that I shook your shoulders and whispered "Are you dying?" you snapped the elastic on my underwear and I fell back asleep.

jump off a cliff,

fiction
He was the kind of man that liked to pee in the shower. Sometimes he'd ask me to talk dirty to him, a hand shaking on his coffee cup while his jaw clicked nervously. "Don't speak too loud," he'd warn pinching my bottom lip, so I would whisper "you could touch my bum if you'd like," and smile. Mr.L was my 10th grade wood shop teacher who was very strange and would tell me "Evelyn you are very beautiful for a spanish girl, oh I mean that." In a sea of blonde hair blue eyes I was chestnut round jet black, with eyelashes so dark I didn't need mascara. I kept a rosary in my pocket whenever I passed the sweet smoke filled bathrooms clutching Bukowski knowing that I didn't need to build a bird house to keep my A+. I would bring in my mother's almendrados cookies wrapped in tinfoil for him to munch on while I read some of my poetry out loud.
"How does this sound?" I would ask.
He would shrug, crumbs falling onto his pressed khaki crotch.
"I don't get that kind of stuff. Do you like South Park?"
It went on like this for a few months. Us meeting up after class, me feeding him my mother's cooking while he'd give me money to buy Dr. Peppers, in exchange for my words.
"Would you like to kiss me here?" I would ask teasing a finger across my clavicle.
His big eyes would light up, chair screeching closer.
"Perhaps.." A hand would drift across my levi'd thigh.
"We should exchanged numbers so we can talk before we fall asleep." Mr. L suggested.
I would talk dirty to him every night at exactly 9:00P.M, while doing my math homework.
One night at exactly 9:15P.M I realized Mr.L had forgotten to call. I figured he was busy having sex with his wife or washing the dishes so I put my math homework away, and went to bed a bit relived.
The next afternoon in wood shop class Mr. L was nowhere to be found. We had a substitute teacher who announced "Your teacher is unfortunately not going to be coming back... I'm your new teacher."
The new wood shop teacher did not like Spanish girls.
Two Weeks later word spread around the school that Mr.L was in prison for doing a blonde hair blue eyed girl without a condom who was the same age as me, they would meet up after class. The girl was (unfortunately,) pregnant with Mr.L's baby.
I built her,Mr.L, and their unborn child a spice rack in wood shop class with all my free time.

I can't see further than my own nose at this moment

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rainymornings/

My mother refers to the man who raped her as "that old fucker."
"What does he look like?" I ask.
"Like your father."
It was an unseasonably warm winters morning so I left my terry cloth bath robe untied, a sleepy stretched out white t-shirt clung absently around my tiny ribs.
"Should we tell someone?" I ask sincere wide eyes looking up from my oatmeal the tiny raisins always reminded me of a fat dog tick ready to pop.
My mother, my own flesh and blood. She was a beautiful woman who's only diet consisted of cigarettes and milky coffee. She was so unhealthy and always smelled like the bottom of a purse, bits of tobacco and perfume. Sometimes in the morning she smelled like vodka and mints. Like this morning.
Some mornings a health kick would find her and she would mix a protein shake that tasted like a reeses peanutbutter cup, chasing clear capsule vitamins down by the handful.
"If we tell someone then the entire damn town would know! That's embarrassing," Her gaze follows the length of the kitchen. She presses her temples and sighs.
"Lets just pretend it never happened." She decides annoyed at the conversation.
I watch my mother stride across the kitchen floor her callused feet clicking against the tile, fixing another pot of coffee.
I hear the toilet flush and a man's chesty cough.
"Goddammit! That's him!" My mother shouts slamming the coffee pot against the counter top not once but twice.
I see a tall man with a salt and pepper beard come into focus. I watch him slowly lace up his boots that he's kept neatly by the kitchen door since last night.
He looks in my direction, I quickly look down at my oatmeal.
"Howdy Ma'am." He greets me.
A smile reveals well kept dentures. I see no resembles to my real father.
I look to my mother who is watching him, tapping her feet impatiently.
"You! Would you get out already! Leave my daughter ALONE!" She shouts.
"Don't look at her! You're an old PERVERT!"
The man smiles and puts on his jacket.
"You're mother sure is one hell of a spitfire." He winks at me.
I steady my chin on the palm of my hands and watch my mother who is now shaking, swallow a handful of vitamins. A, B, D, E, and K struggle down her throat searching for some fatty tissue to absorb into. Finally my mothers face finds some color.

Some Fools Think of Happiness / Some Fools Fool Themselves I Guess

I've got everything I want but..


I just finished "The Brutal Language of Love" By Alicia Erian. It's a series of short stories surrounding the very uncomplicated act of sex, and the forever complications that follow after the act.



Humor infuses tales that might otherwise seem bleak or degrading with a free-floating verve. You get the sense that Erian's protagonists are optimistic because they haven't given much thought to the alternative

Beatrice is a hapless college sophomore who continues to see a boy who date-raped her; she also makes passes at her college professors. Roz, the young girl with a weight problem in engages in a sexual relationship with a popular boy — and with one of his friends who is mean to her.

--

I'll do a real update in a few more days right now my boyfriend is ordering a movie on demand and we have freshly baked cookies to devour!

Soft lips in a hard world.

There's a lady at work known as "The Bombshell." She's is 5'9 and wears fuck me pumps, short skirts and has a spray on tan that never spreads evenly on the webs of her fingers and toes. She has blond extensions and gets prevelle silk hyaluronic acid filler with lidocaine pumped into her lips, yet they still wrinkle from years of smoking cigarettes. The skin around her glossy blue eyes is pulled taunt by cosmetic surgery. She works out twice a day for hours and her teeth are white as milk. She once told me I could be beautiful if I just made a few minor adjustments.

Grinchmass

XMAZZZZ by Erica73

I'm not that big on Christmas, I guess you could almost call me a Grinch. I was raised Christian never baptized and went to church like twice in my life. I do not own a single crucifix I'm allergic to organized religion. My family is the "Just don't use the word Jesus and fuck in the same sentence on Christmas morning, please," kind of family. So for me, Christmas doesn't really signify the birth of little baby Jesus (despite the fact that my Nana buys baby Jesus his very own birthday cake at our family's Christmas Party,) it's just a day for opening presents and handing out a few of my very own poorly wrapped gifts to a very select few. I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet this morning before work so I'll be sure to add that to my ~wish list~ in the meantime I'm down to the crunch.

You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence.

Sometimes I get sad when I realize that nobody really knows me. I give people bits and pieces. I don't think I'll ever change. I hate my ego and how stubborn I am, but I am what I am bold, entirely too honest. I used to be sweet.. I think. In theory.



I had a ping of sadness when I thought about an old friend. I wanted to contact her and just put my ego (there's that word again,) aside and let go of all the bitter resentment, but it's been such a long time, and I couldn't think of anything to say so to her. I just walked away and didn't say anything at all I could have wished her luck or said anything but instead I said nothing and I don't feel any better at all. I'm always the one to hold out, I'll never give in.



My dogs can sense when I'm going away. All three, gray apricot and black more needy than usual, trying to readjust themselves into my sweater-dress lap as they paw at each other for my undivided attention. Tomorrow I'll take a train and a bus to the place where it's always snowing and nobody calls me by my name. I'll turn 20 and eat turkey. I bought myself some new luggage and little toiletries. I'm bringing a soft back book and a pen for underlining passages, and once I get too carsick to read I'll listen to this :


Meow Mix Volume 1.

1. In A Nutshell - Orange juice
2. Sleep tonight - Stars
3. English Music - Destroyer
4. Tomorrow tomorrow - Elliott Smith
5. Plastic toy dream - All Girl Summer Fun Band
6. Nevers - Remix - The Fiery Furnaces
7. Mondays are always like Tuesdays - Acid House Kings
8. The Disco Song - Au Revoir Simone
9. Sweepstakes Prize - Mirah
10. Failure - King of Convenience
11. Don't leave the light on baby - Belle & Sebastian
12. Raised by Wolves - Voxtrot
13. 23 - Blonde Redhead
14. It's Okay - Land of Talk
15. Pet Grief - The Radio Dept.
16. Graduation Day - Math and Physics club
17. Couldn't feel Safer - The Field Mice
18. The Other's Way - The Cat's Miaow
19. Pull the Curtains - Grandaddy
20. Son of a Gun - The Vaselines


you remind me of a firework, boy
you touch the ceiling, you touch the floor
you sparkle and burn but you take your time
and i bet i could carry you across state lines

---

I hate driving. I like cable knit sweaters. I like coffee. I hate cold hands.

For the price of a cup of tea..

I've had a headache on the left side of my brain for a month now. Sometimes the headache goes away, most of the time it does not. When I lay down the headache still persists. When I sit up the headache is even more bold. I dull the pain with ibuprofen and a cup of tea. I tell people and I don't think they believe me.

Loving : Vanilla lattes, sitting in bookstores, organizing my insane magazine and book collections, re-watching all the seasons of the Sopranos, and 6S.

Homeless man with gingivitis has a sweet tooth (still.)

From the new album





The other night my friend and I had a homeless man approach us. He didn't beg, he didn't ask for money,he did not ask us to sit on his face, he just started telling us jokes. We laughed at his charming little self and three jokes later we each gave him $1 so he could buy himself a burger from McDonald's. My friend handed him her bag of Hershey kisses. He kindly declined saying "I really shouldn't I have gingivitis," but he smiled and reconsidered and walked away popping a kiss into his disease ridden mouth. You can't stop the sweet tooth.

I have this horrible habit of starring at homeless people and wondering "What the fuck happened?" My inner Diane Arbus comes out and I wish I could just walk right up to them and take their pictures at the risk of being verbally or sexually assaulted I usually restrain myself. An inner courage to document things that are shunned by society, I always looked up to Arbus. When I was developing film in the dark room at Middletown High school I always kept my focus thinking "I wonder if this is something Diane Arbus would have taken." In some freaky ways she was my mentor.

On photography field trips when the other kids were taking pictures of flowers, I was kneeling down trying to focus my lens towards an overturned garbage can. Arbus inspired a very bitter, angsty, and bored 15year old to get off her ass and stop being so pissed off all the time, and start taking pictures. I came across a book of all my old negatives from high school and liked what I saw. I owe it all to my photography teacher Mr.Miller and the inspiration from Arbus, it's too bad she had to off ruin everything and of herself.

Inspiration photos by the late Diane Arbus
RIP tell ODB I still miss him

---

Didn't I tell you there was no such thing as a bad bad day?

Held it down a loving key
longer than a lie
Held it down a loving key
softer than a child.

10 things

1. The new Land of talk album "Some are Lakes" leaked.. about fucking time!
2. It was 75 degrees today, Where is November?
3. My Nana surprised me with a very warm heavy wool coat with a matching Burberry scarf it's lovely but this weather isn't very encouraging but apparently the temperature is about to drop so lets keep our fingers crossed.
4. All 3 of my dogs sleep in my bed now so that's 12 little paws and a pair of clumsy feet poking out from the edge of my bed.
5. I had my first panic attack while walking down the city street laughing with my friend. It terrified me to be so aware of my own heartbeat.
6. Nothing is tasting right to me anymore, even my favorite candy tastes bitter.
7. I can't shake off this sore throat/stuffy nose combination. All the cups of tea and cough drops aren't doing anything I'm afraid I need to go to a doctor.
8. I've been writing 15 words a day in my little cloth bound journal with the theory that I'll need something to read about when I'm old, gray haired and shitting myself in a nursing home.
9. Carbs make me so sleepy.
10. I'm a little afraid and I feel very small. I feel weird not having my mom here to take care of. I keep checking on my dogs every 3 seconds in hopes that they'll need their water bowl filled or to bet let outside.

Motherly instinct the beat goes on. My grandmother says I should switch majors and do something with the Nursing/Medical field because I'm so good at taking care of people. Which makes me think of those cheesy daytime television commercials about "Job Corp" and "UTI UNIVERSITY" where the girl says "I never knew anything... but that I just wanted to help sick people." I used to laugh, but now girlfren I feel you on that poorly worded sentence. After this semester I will deliberate.

OPTIONS

- stick with D&A counseling
- social work
- nursing
- med tech
- stick with D&A counseling
- strick with D&A counseling

I hate never being sure about anything.

We've seen how sick wind blows,
But i've got you for the night.
And i'll love you like I love you then I'll die.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But i've got you for the night.
And i'll love you like I love you then I'll die.

I believe he is the number one one to let you wonder.

Holding down the home fort, a little lonely but I've got A&E to keep me company. I also have taken up a new found interest in doing heaping loads of laundry and bought one of those little wands where you put the dish washing liquid in the top add some water and screw on the cap, so every time you wash a dish this little wand dispenses just the right amount of sudz. It makes my already love of washing dishes increase by at least 80%. So basically during a crisis my inner-hermit takes over and I turn into a domesticated diva.

"Emily Haines wears a fucking skirt!"

Emily Haines, what isn't there to talk about? Known for being the girl who wears skirts on stage and once played blindfolded in San Fransisco. Most of the time she's wearing sparkly tights on stage and a shirt with no bra. My first time seeing Haines perform was with her band Metric at the cramped church in Philly. She was wearing a short white lace dress and kept screaming to the crowd "If I jump will you guys catch me.." over and over again. The fans screamed back "Yes we will!" and finally she jumped into the crowd exposing her entire ass. Needless to say she is the love of my life.

Haines Started out singing sultry backup vocals for Broken Social Scene, moved onto fronting for the dead disco Metric, and in 2006 released her first official solo album Knives don't have your back which was a far cry from our beloved Metric but had a sound of sophistication with her eerily good piano skills and that same damn beautiful voice haunting us in the background. Haine's is as charismatic as her music is soft, with a voice like honey. I once had a friend who after hearing her song "Live it out" described her voice as "so sexy it hurts." She's stated numerous times that she would like to be remembered as a sound and has an unhealthy obsession with bottled water and toiletries (hmm sounds familiar.) Usually writing about music in my blog isn't really my ~thing~ but I found this interview with her that I really enjoyed, it's a little long but if you're a fan it's worth reading.

Red Wine and a Frozen Hand: An Interview with Emily Haines

Oh and you know check out the plethora of Emily Haines tribute youtube videos I posted above! Xx

and really, you just injured my pride

Shelly says there always is a reason
and Chris said you're probably surrounded by girls
and I'm just not one of them you're needing.

Thing's I'm trying to accomplish as of recent :
- Break-in these new shoes I bought yesterday afternoon.
- Moisturize
- More bonfires
- Upp my caramel apple cider consumption
- Contemplate possible Halloween costumes
- Slowly ween myself off my crackberry addiction
- Not say "fucking" 8,000 times per day
- Think about what I say before I speak..
- Not speed
- Forgive
- Frightland!

NEW BLING


A few nights ago I was listening to an old mix and the song "Combat Baby" by Metric came on. It reminded me of being a Junior in High School and my ~boyfriend~ at the time and I had science class together. We sat at the same lab table during different periods of the day and would write each other little notes atop our public school lab table. Unfortunately our very serious two week relationship did not work out, I realized he was as exciting as a sack of potatoes, smoked too much weed, had an irrational obsession with DMB/ making hemp bracelet's and had an asshole friend who told me quote : "I was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen." Anyway, during our epic relationship I made this dude a mix and put Combat Baby on it.. a few days after I kicked DMB'S NUMBER 1 FAN to the curb I sat down at my science table and saw the lyrics how I miss your ranting... I quickly scribbled back do you miss my all time lows? Metric fans will automatically understand that these are the last lyrics to the song. The next day he wrote back yeah I really do those are not lyrics and I never wrote back, spoke to him or ever acknowledged our falsehood relationship ever again. For some reason that creepy little scenario plays out in my head and reminds me of how some people who seem so insignificant at the time, can't help but melted into memories that you never forget about even if you look back and say "What the fuck?"

I'll never miss being a teenager.

"Fall into your new routine"
1. I wanna rock with you - M.J
2. Live it out - Emily Haines (acoustic version)
3. Keely Aime - The Good Life
4. Untidy towns - The Lucksmiths
5. Time to pretend - MGMT
6. Chromakey Dreamcoat - Boards of Canada
7. Triangle - Dredg
8. She's the one - Caribou
9. Wall Poster Star - The Bruenttes
10. Hey boy - The Blow
11. Come on in - Darc Mind
12. Tiger Mountain Peasant Song - Fleet Foxes
13. Off The Hook - CSS
14. Cold, Dark, Silence - Sea Wolf
15. With or without you - Jawbreaker
16. Brand New Key - Melanie
17. She's a Theif - Owen
18. Savory - Jawbox
19. Hours - World Collapse
20. Heroine - Blonde Redhead

"Life's not a bitch life is a beautiful woman You only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy...

Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests.."


I wish that I had a body where stress did not twist my stomach into a little knot and make it incapable of keeping down anything other than yogurt. I wish I wasn't watching "Soul Food" right now and watching two people fuck up against a wall ashamed, while I'm wrapped up in a parka on my laptop doing homework.

My writing lately has been scattered jumbled cross-word puzzle puke. Everywhere.. I've had a headache, heartache, mindfuck for the past three weeks. My step dad has a new pitbull that just showed up on his door step. His name's "BOY" and he put his face really close to mine, growled and kissed me.

The Rachel Zoe Project.

SO LETS JUST TALK ABOUT THIS TRAIN WRECK/ BRILLIANT IDEA FOR A BRAVO SHOW.

Up until I'd say, two years ago I had no idea who the fuck Rachel Zoe was. I would read about her in a few fashion magazines, she was kind of offensive looking and her fashion picks were good but always too expensive/unrealistic for me to care about. I remember seeing her pop up on episodes of the Tyra Banks Show (which ultimately was the moment I decided I liked her after seeing the two divas compete for "who's turn it is to speak now..) also loved the fact that Zoe encourages girls to put little round band aids on their nipples when they go bra-less. Genius. Anyway, it wasn't until Nicole Richie came out with this hilarious statement in her myspace blog :

"What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 pieces [sic] of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight [sic], and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publicist [sic] instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup..."

That I started paying attention to Zoe. I love anybody who gets shit talked by Nicole Richie and at an attempt to ruin Zoe's reputation all she did was spark that shit to all all time high. Now as brilliant as that statement from Richie is, I personally was not informed of Zoe's nickname being lettucecup but that's ok because not that many people talk to me. Also rumored that Zoe is an avid adderall pill poppin-coffee having feign which is brilliant and after watching her show I fully support this statement after hearing her "catchphrases.."

“I die,” “That’s bananas” and “Shut it down.”

I also just heard her say "I'd die like, just put me in a coffin and let me die with that ring on." and "WITCH VIBE WITCH VIBE when I get a witch vibe that means that I just know that's going to be the look on the red carpet."

..................ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Her two assistants on the show are almost as manic/wired/drugged insane as Zoe is..

First there's assistant #1 Taylor Jacobson known as "Tay" who has been with Zoe the longest/ is her wing man.

Now I know from this picture she almost looks like an attractive, nice young woman. But I assure you she is not. She is one constant case of "I HAVE PMS" and doesn't seem to understand the word "time management" or how to handle stress. Also her side bangs are fucking annoying/ not realistic. The pattern in every episode goes like this..

ZOE IS STRESSED SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON TAY --- TAY IS STRESSED SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON BRAD --- BRAD IS STRESSED/A PUSSY SO HE ALWAYS ENDS UP CRYING!


Which leads me to assistant #2 and "new guy" Brad Goreski who's is probably the only like able character on the show, aside from me being in love with Rachel simply because she is a fucking mess. Brad's only job on the show is to take "Tay's" shit with a smile, get yelled at when he can't read Tay's mind, and always ends up with him having an emotional breakdown and threatening to quit.

Did I mention that I have inferred all of this lovely information from only 3 episodes and the entire season recap? Yeah..

According to the recap some serious shit is about to go down, I can't wait I'm actually addicted. This show has replaced my love for America's Next Top Model. More on this riveting topic later.

pieces of you are a thousand characters in any story i'll ever attempt to write.

things that scare me