Wednesday, March 18, 2009

"I pity the fool who tries to get this done!"

I'm obsessed with infomercials.

The Bump it

"BUMP A PONY, OR ROCK A BOB!" If you're a country girl, a cool girl or just a plain old boring FLAT HAIRED chick Bump It's will change the way you do your hair, forever. This video is so ~flirty~ and sexy. I wish I was bumpin right now, but sadly I am not.

Mr. T's Flavorwave Oven

"Darlin, are my eyes deceiving me? Or am I lookin at the frozen food section at the super market?" Not only am I ALWAYS sold on food infomercials simply because, well duh they're food, but Mr. T?!?! REALLY. SOLD. Watch the first few seconds just to experience T knocking down the kitchen door. Conclusion : this shit looks efficient and very believable. My biggest complaint is that Mr. T isn't wearing his usual layered gold chains.


Never mind that this guy forgot to take off his McDonald's drive-thru headset. Never mind that he looks miserable and has the worst Staten Island/ slightly Australian accent. I also am under the impression that Mr.Shamwow smoked a shitload of crystal meth before cameras were rolling. The ShamWOW is going to change the world!!! Look at all that cola it holds! We actually use product similar to this at work to dry dogs off with after their baths. So, for me personally the idea of using the same product to dry off dishes freaks me the fuck out. But I guess in theory this isn't a bad investment. Conclusion : Get with it guys. We're all trying to "Go Green," and save our mother earth. So smoke some green and get your sham'wowwza on. "You'll be saying wow every time!"



The Tiddy Bear

"Now with the Tiddy bear I enjoy traveling again!" Usually when the seat belt is all up on my neck, I just push the seat belt to the side. In my experience seat belts are not UNUSUALLY confiding and just sort of hang there. In fact I can only recollect one time in my life that I was even aware of my seat belt annoying me. But all that's changed, now there's the Tiddy Bear! So soft and cuddly I can't wait to drive around with a neon orange bear hugging my breast's. Conclusion : It will only give other cars an excuse to get their road rage on.

The Snuggie

Because who doesn't want to look like they're wearing a cloak and about to perform a human sacrifice? While staying warm! We all know that blankets are inefficient and should probably just be banished. Snuggies will probably rule the world. It's one size fits all, unless you're Manuel "MeMe" Uribe Mexico's fattest man who weighs 500lbs. Chances are the Snuggie will not fit you. Sorry MeMe.

Nads hair removal

Of course Nads had to play the bearded lady card! She just pulled a pic of her during her "bearded years" out of her breast pocket.. in case you missed it. The beard imo looks very Amish, and I heard through the grapevine that Nads is a shitty product and won't even remove hairy legs. Conclusion : if you're dreadfully bearded (like me,) Nads is probably not a good investment.

The Listen Up!

In case you're curious about who's talking about your fat ass, the listen up is for you! If you want to hear your husband take a shit (FROM THE OTHER ROOM!!!) the listen up is for you! Conclusion : if you want to be back on planet earth, sadly the listen up is not for you. But I guess if you're old and decrepit, hard of hearing and all those other things that follow with old age, the listen up might be worth the shipping&handling.

I have unfortunately noticed a slight decline in infomercials in the past couple of years, I have a feeling that they will as a whole become a dying breed. A lovable collectible, like when grandpa's watch old western movies. I'll be that wrinkly miserable grandmother watching infomercials and knitting my grand kids a sweater they'll end up throwing on the floor and letting their dog piss on. Inevitably all of my good efforts will have been in vain, sort of like this blog.

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