i'll see you when the sun sets east, don't forget me

I miss my cousin Rian so much. I wish she would come back from Portland and eat spaghetti with me. I miss her making fun of my taste in music and calling me Miss Priss. I miss going to Sephora and her blowing $100 on makeup and never thinking twice. She drove cross country with her best friend this past summer, on a fucking whim! She's been to all of Europe and has a Thin Lizzy tribute tattoo.

I love her in a way that I can't even describe because she's been through hell and back, and she's still a sweetheart. Rian lost her mom (my aunt,) in April 2007. She died in a tragic house fire, where Rian's brother (my cousin Kevin,) survived. Instead of being mad at the world for taking her mom away, Rian somehow learned to live her life like everyday is her last, which is something I completely suck at. When the anniversary of my aunt's death came around last year, my entire family panicked, wondering how Rian would handle it. She drove from Philly to Ohio to throw her mother's ashes off a cliff into Lake Michigan along with my aunt's favorite flowers, lilies. We still talk about my aunt frequently because we know she's always with us. Not in some freaky vodoo way, but in a way that when you love someone they're always around.

I had a fear of fire right after my aunt died. I couldn't see fire on tv, I couldn't hear people talk about fire. My boyfriend knew that if there was a scene in a movie that involved fire to cover my eyes for me. I confided in Rian about my fear and she said "fire was here first," and she lit up a cigarette.

We look so much alike, all the women in our family. The same chubby cheeks, big eyeballs and big lips that we HATED when we were younger but now of course we understand how blessed we are. We have the same thick curly hair that coincidentally we both straighten now. She calls herself "the punked out version with bigger boobs."

The first time she came to see my boyfriend's band play at this church in Philly I was so nervous. She showed up in ripped jeans and a leather jacket, smiled and said "they sound really old school, I like it!" It felt good to have her blessing. I really wish she was here right now to talk me into eating Taco Bell. In a way I wish I could go back to last March when she was living in Philly and only a train ride away, but she's happier and living her life in Portland, so I ain't mad. Just missin.